Freedom...I want it!

I hate what certain men did to me. I mean I hate what I allowed myself to feel because of them,what I allowed to happen. As much as I contemplate the pros and cons of a stable relationshp, I contemplate having options just as much. It's just at some point options decide to become selfish, get feelings involved, demand for me to reveal my inner-Amber, make rules, etc. And I'm left wondering what happened to the agreement of freedom and understanding.

Watching Sex and the City the character of Carrie made me question "love and serious/committed relationships." How can the same love that made you complete, be the same love that breaks your heart, then be the same love that forgives the pain? The character of Samantha made me realize the importance of a strong relationshp with yourself regardless of someone else's livelihood.

But sexual/situations/relationship freedom makes women look like whores/sluts/hoes. And men look like pimps/The Man/playas.

And I mean......

1. I miss traveling to MIA to visit Mr.Bentley,but he switched it up on me. Wanted to confess his "newfound love", wanted me to become in love with him, become devoted to his existence. While he devoted his love to who knows who and who knows how many. Why did I have to rework my life so that we could continue our happiness? Why did I have to love a man in order to spend quality time and experience life? I have great/treasured memories of him...until reality and my honesty wasn't good enough. I became worthless in his eyes because I couldn't lie. WTF??!!

2. I miss when Short Fat Fuck/Shortie Doo Whop accepted my place in his life as "party girl." As time went on, he had to have more. I never gave him an inch of hope I would be his next baby momma,ill! Now I am a hoe/slut/whore in his eyes. Thursday night the look he gave me was pure hatred. I could feel when he would be behind me, I mean hate was hitting my back. I'm hurt because I was honest and now that Fat Fuck is whispering round on me. Bet he wouldn't like me to whisper to the authorities. Damn the day I find someone worth trying out and he knows Q or Q finds out. Q should have stayed my friend. I honestly cared for him but OH WELL!!

3. I miss when Lemon Drop (my homebois fav shot) looked at me and treated me as a friend. Now sex pops up in the convo frequently and he sends signals that he's hung and ready. Ummmmmmm.........no. I've been honest that I see him as a friend, so why does he feel the need to make it uncomfortable?

SO 24 IS MORE LONELY AND BORING THAN 23. BUT 23 WAS CONFUSING AND BLINDING. HOPEFULLY PSYCHO,JERMAINE THE LAME, AND/OR THE NEXT ONE WILL BRING MORE HAPPY LESSONS FOR ME.

p.s. can I attribute my weight loss to loss of sexual healing? LOL! Enjoy your day!

I wouldn't mind being his sweetie pie bcuz.....

1. I've never liked being called pet names. But something about the way he said it made me flutter a bit. I DON'T FLUTTER.
2. When I go to certain places, I can be on his arm. I can dance,do whatver and feel comfortable. I'm not confused on what could happen today or tomorrow. It's time spent worth remembering. I MUST SAY HE HAS BEEN WORTH MY TIME,just the conversations are fulfilling!
3. I wouldn't have to be bothered with the ongoing drama of certain Nigerian men in Dallas.
4. I wouldn't have to wear my fake engagement ring anymore.

To bad the man that calls me sweetie pie is currently away. So hopefully he will arrive at DFW soon.

Guess what I heard tonight....
1. Can you be my Cinderella?
2. Who's the background on your phone,she's sexy,can I get your number or hers?
3. Smile and give me a chance?
4. We have the same phone...lets exchange numbers
5. So where's your man? Can I be your man? Why don't you have a man? Can I be your friend? Well let me just take you out to a nice dinner? Take my number and give me a call when your ready. Ok let me take your number and check in with you.........this man would not stop the QUESTIONS!
6. I want you to slow down so I can talk to you. Oh you won't slow down? Man fuck you then!
7. Are you a model? You should be a model. You really don't model?

In the end, I should've stayed at home. Hiding in my room reading, or dancing to the music channels. I love to dance,have a drink or two. But I hate all the enjoyment that has been sucked out of my fun times at the night establishments. It's like nobody wants to let go. They want to be seen,do too much,and cause a ruckus.

.........he called me sweetie pie,made me smile,and gave me a slither of hope......to finally breathe and be comfortable with 1 person and not worry bout the worst of worst.....

Lacking Answers

Why do people wake up suddenly, and decide to enter your life, then when you try to give it a chance, back up?

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How come I found a guy that could work, that I'm willing to take a chance on, and he is like 5 feet tall? I mean without heels I am taller than him. It's just weird and uncomfortable. I feel like if I ever sat on his lap, I would crush him.

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When will a guy forgive me for not wanting to move in with him and take it slow? I mean a stable relationship and chilling in a big house in Mesquite is appealing, but.....all that comes with it....not hot. I've tried to at least open up a pathway and he is not having it. I know if I asked him to forgive me and yelped I'm ready, he would have his truck at my apartment picking up my clothes. Uh....!!!!!!!!

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I wish friends would give credit to me for not talking to their boos when they try to holla at me. And I wish those same friends would try not to talk to any of my boos behind my back. At least let me know, give me a clue, not set up an operation and I find out later. I mean I might have been able to make it easier. But I guess it is what it is.

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Changing numbers frequently gets on my nerves (not me, people who do that). And I hate when those folks call and get mad when you don't recognize the number nor voice. I hate having to save that new number, and go delete the old number. I hate when people call asking for the new number, and you don't know if you can give it out or not. I wish I could change my number, but it took me so long to memorize it. So I have had it since high school. LOL

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But at the end of the day, life is good. I've been able to take even more time to myself, get my head together, get away from folks. WHile they sitting over there plotting on my ass, I am able to rest. I swear two of my closest friends hit me with a spray of emotional bullets. But due to my new found strength, it hurt just a bit. While my ex is cooking up new ways to mind fuck me, I release my energy into all the books that I am reading, my exercising, hunting for a new job, the usual. I appreciate the options and the adventures, but I can't wait till they are positive. Where I write a blog about a great date, a great coversation, a great guy who makes me sit back and think DAMN lol
Have a good day. And remember, IT'S TIME FOR TURKEY SANDWICHES!!

It Goes A Little Something Like This....

Been containing a lot of my thoughts inside. I tend to do that, not a good thing I must say. But there have been many changes and bullshit and confusion to where it hasn't been easy to blog.

But let me just spill about the following freaks of nature:

(1) Bottom Lip: thinks he is the man because he knows how to put a sentence together. I mean he thinks that talking the way he does, just makes him fine/sexy/hot/attractive/wanted/needed.....and he was none of those ( I cannot lie he looks good just too skinny). I mean he was so light skinned I thought he was glowing, I mean he was. It wasn't the bacon grease around his mouth, it was just his skin, good skin, just to glowy for me, lol. ANd the fact that I could respond to his creative sentences, just got him all hot bothered. So I played along because I was bored at the IHOP. Talked to him on the phone afterward and I swear I could feel him getting horny thru the phone. And it made me wonder, what females do you talk to? Not happening, I don't support it!

(2) Short Fat Fuck/Shortie Doo Whop: set me up, put me in a horrible situation, and then expected me to continue to give him the time of day. LIke I know I am not the baddest, but I know I am fulfulling a favor by putting up with hotmess. So I say I don't want to talk to him anymore, and he can't accept that. But when I talk to another male, and he finds out, all of a sudden I am horrible, he doesn't want to talk to mme, I am a whore/slut/hoe and so on and so on. Like get a life, wack word usage doesn't hurt my feelings, and I still don't feel bad or want you. Illl (nasty sound) if I have to run into him. I ahven't, and it's been a blessing.

(3) Potential SugarDaddy: I don't know what is going on in his life, but glad he is still in the potential status. He has his hot days and his cold days. Either day it makes me nervous.

(4) Grown Ass Man/Dule: still calls randomly. Will never say he misses me, but will say where have you been, why havn't I heard from you, you just came across my mind, I don't know why I called....and he continues. It's like bullshit, admit it, and since you can't the conversation will remain less that 2minutes. I don't need my feelings getting all in a motion because you decided to give me seconds/minutes of your life. I deserve more and I deserve better.

(5) My Mother: I know it is wrong to call her a freak of nature, but she's been acting freakish lately. I mean her fear of staying in the house and being safe has transferred into fear of Amber's whereabouts. I mean I get calls, her friends are calling. I can't take it! I tried to stay in Houston with her, but she started making me paranoid. I know she went thru a crazy scary experience, but damn her behavior made it more scary. I wasn't tripping about staying there, until when I wen t to sleep and she was coming in my room at least 3-4 times to check on me. Or every noise she shouts out my name. Scary Scary Scary!!! I am going to go home in a couple of weeks, gotta be there for her, but damn I am jumpy in my apt here, TEAR!

(6) My BestFriend: don't know if we are even still friends. I haven't heard from her ever since I said I couldn't afford to go to her Moving Away/Going Away party. I mean the tickets are $100 and that was presale. Then it's an all white party so I would have to get something to wear. That's at least $50 - $100. I said I coudlnt afford it, and I got hit with some rude ass text messages. Tear my life. I was sad that day, because it was like calling out an insecurity. But I talked it out (w/myself), then talked it out with another homegirl to see if I was tripping, watched Lifetime, and realized that even if I had $100 it wouldn't go to a party. I love shoes too much. There are a pair of shoes that I really really want for that price, well a bit nmore expensive. I don't know.

(7) John Mccain: you are too old to run for president.

(8) Kendrick Dennis: how do you know about this blog? I mean you are one FBI/CIA kind of nigga. I just know by the age of 32 you will have killed me or have attempted to kill me. Either way Adam has the rights to write my Lifetime Movie......MOMENT OF TRUTH: The Amber Clark Story LOL. How you still make me laugh and smile....so weird but sweet huh? (Whoa is me, I'm a victim)

(9) Braxton Williams: I want you to forget I existed. NO I didn't call you on my birthday, or check in when I returned to Houston. NO I didn't change my schedule when you got off work. NO NO NO do I owe you anything. And at some point in your life you sould realize that. Still you are my first puppy love.

(10) Jermaine the Lame: for being the type of guy I didn't know I would truly like and be interested in. It sucks how I came to find out he's engaged, and now he isn't, and it's still ill (nasty sound). I know we get along great, have more in common than any other guy I have ever had interest in. I can stay on the phone with him for hours, talking, not just sitting on the phone. He truly makes me laugh, not that fake laugh people hear when they are sucky not funny. I love how I kind of get excited when I hear his ringtone ring, the chance at seeing him, the compliments he dishes out, smiling....But I know we could never be serious, be to weird.

That's about it for right now....Have a great day!

Take A Seat........

I love Cinco de Mayo, but I will now remember the holiday not for the strong margaritas, but the fact that two dumb fucks tried to break into my mother's house. Let me set it out for you

(a) We live in a very busy neighborhood (b) Our house is in the front of the neighborhood and we live on the corner of the main street (c) all of our neighbors are basically stay @ home moms and what not. (d) our front door is huge, thick and only has a smal amount of I think it's caled plexi glass (I don't know, not easily broken)

Well, they tried to enter the house during the day, right before noon (really?). My mom was at home, and they tried to go thru the front door in their colorful clothing. One of the gentlemen had on a pink shirt (who robs in pink?). They tried their hardest to get thru the door. Thankfully my mom pressed the panic button and hid in the closet. By the time the cops did their thing and had to coax my mom out of the closet, the stupids were gone (damn).

I am thankful my mom is ok, and they didn't get in the house. I'm just mad that they messed up our door, of which now my mother has to get a new one which is close to a thousand dollars. I am furious that now my mom doens't feel comfortable to stay in her own house, that she paid for. My mom is all nervous, so nervous she didn't wish me happy birthday to like 5:30pm. I'm mad that now all the women in my neighborhood are nervous, cuz it could've been their house the stupids tried to hit.

I mean just stupids, I hate stupids, and I hope these stupids give up on robbing and go to the adult day care center where they belong.