Looking for my own happiness.

I have no one to talk to.

I have lost my mom, my identity, any connection to my family and some friends.

I have a new job that I love.

I am functioning to find happiness, and when I think I am getting close, I am yanked away.

I know it could be worse. I know it could be harder but mentally I am struggling. Emotionally, I am drained. Physically I am out of sync. Spiritually I am connected to nothing.

I need to get away from here. I want no reminders, no distractions.

Learning, I can't trust anyone, I have horrible judgment in friends, associates, whatever you call them.

I take a private moment, I offend people.

I become social, I offend people.

I can't please anyone. Not even myself.

Strangers I am finding are the most helpful and supportive. They don't know, don't owe you a thing. In that moment, they're committed. Tell you the truth, cuz hell, when will you see them again.

I'm scared I will get use to this loneliness. I'm scared I will prefer being by myself than around others.

Pain changes you.

I just need my mom. I need to remember her voice.

I just want to feel solid. happy. at peace. hopeful.

I sleep on the couch because I can't stand sleeping anywhere else. I feel closed in.

On the weekends I prefer hotels.

I need hugs at the rate they are given to an 8 year old. Older, people expect you to be alright. Find your own damn comfort. well my comfort is expensive.

I was excited for my 30th. Now..... I think I should just celebrate it by myself.

I can't afford to lose anyone else.

She died and everything became clearer. But somethings that became clearer, were scary to see.

I don't feel 29. Some days I feel like independent 45 year old. Then the confusion of a 19 year old. The eagerness of a 16 year old, the loneliness of 76 year old widower. I can feel the joy of 5 year old and the wisdom of 55 year old.

I wish I had the courage to walk away from A.C.