Looking for my own happiness.

I have no one to talk to.

I have lost my mom, my identity, any connection to my family and some friends.

I have a new job that I love.

I am functioning to find happiness, and when I think I am getting close, I am yanked away.

I know it could be worse. I know it could be harder but mentally I am struggling. Emotionally, I am drained. Physically I am out of sync. Spiritually I am connected to nothing.

I need to get away from here. I want no reminders, no distractions.

Learning, I can't trust anyone, I have horrible judgment in friends, associates, whatever you call them.

I take a private moment, I offend people.

I become social, I offend people.

I can't please anyone. Not even myself.

Strangers I am finding are the most helpful and supportive. They don't know, don't owe you a thing. In that moment, they're committed. Tell you the truth, cuz hell, when will you see them again.

I'm scared I will get use to this loneliness. I'm scared I will prefer being by myself than around others.

Pain changes you.

I just need my mom. I need to remember her voice.

I just want to feel solid. happy. at peace. hopeful.

I sleep on the couch because I can't stand sleeping anywhere else. I feel closed in.

On the weekends I prefer hotels.

I need hugs at the rate they are given to an 8 year old. Older, people expect you to be alright. Find your own damn comfort. well my comfort is expensive.

I was excited for my 30th. Now..... I think I should just celebrate it by myself.

I can't afford to lose anyone else.

She died and everything became clearer. But somethings that became clearer, were scary to see.

I don't feel 29. Some days I feel like independent 45 year old. Then the confusion of a 19 year old. The eagerness of a 16 year old, the loneliness of 76 year old widower. I can feel the joy of 5 year old and the wisdom of 55 year old.

I wish I had the courage to walk away from A.C.

nice guy....

Ever met a really nice guy? Ever had everyone around you tell you to talk to him because he's a really nice guy?

So yea.....it was my bff's bday week, and on Sat I met her ex's brother. He was introduced to me because I guess he was really interested in my "personality" (really my body hugging dress lol).

I decided hey, take a chance, he seems "nice." Texted, chit chatted here and there. Met up at the club one night, had a blast. Next night however....drunk confessions

DUDE IS MARRIED.

Like took some vows married, like lives with his wife married, like he dies she gets a check married.

WTH??????????

He's supposed to be nice. Asked me on a proper date, gives me compliments, shows me respect.

Nice guy.

Of course he told me while he was drunk and just talking. And further explained its more of a marriage of convenience. That he can go and come as he pleases. That as we were talking on the phone, she was in the house sleep.....

WTF?!!!!!!

I don't want any parts of that. She's liable to turn me into an episode of Snapped.

But why do I have more respect for his marriage than he does?? Why does the nice one have to be taken? Why does the nice one have to be part man part animal?

So, not all nice guys are respectable. Not all nice guys are honorable. They're just nice...smh

Don't eat Wonka late at night......

because......

• you will have thoughts of passionate lovemaking sessions with unavailable people
• you will want to drive in your pjs to buy another bar
• will have you eating salty things to compensate for how sweet the bar is
• make you start tweeting again even though you were taking a break
• think about calling someone and telling them things your pride wouldn't allow you to
• play footsie with yourself
• can't sleep for shit.
• think about the downfall of reality tv...not like it could get any worse
• debate going to the gym
• say you're swearing of chocolate and going to the gym
• fuck the gym
• blog about a fucking candy bar.....

its a Wonka Waterfall chocolate bar. perfect mixture of milk and white chocolate.

Mannish Behavior

I am a female that is sick of the double standard.

My homeboys can say and do whatever and no one would dare tell them "that's classless, do better, that's not gentleman like."

I put up a few mannish tweets and all of sudden I was told to "go to bed, calm down, chill out, no class. ummmmmmm.....what.....???????

I am a woman, I can do and say whatever I feel like.

I am also a single woman.

But being single, and young, you have needs/wants/passion/desires. I want someone I can share them with, safely but explosive fun.

But its also hard having a sexual relationship because of all the limitations, codes, rules, opinions that come along. Are you actually boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you want that? Can you handle if it is or not?

what happens when feelings become involved? when time continues to pass? uncertainty...

who has the answers for me? cuz no book does....Dr Phil sure in the hell doesn't...

idk....not to be vulgar on here but damn it I'm horny and want someone to myself to have fun with. too much to ask? not enough? impossible? pass my prime lol?

idk....pretend you didn't just read all that lol

V-Day

Today was a great day. I was busy starting from like 6am to the evening. My mom had a MRI this morning and she did well. I thought she would have been a bit nervous but she slept like a baby. Her results come Friday so hopefully nothing bad at all.

My mom and I spent V-Day together. I don't think she appreciated the holiday for what it is but still enjoyed herself.

She also got chocolates from the neighbors and I wish yall could have seen the dance she did. Way too excited over some chocolate, ate the whole box lol.

Long as she is eating something :)

I got a few gifts and even was asked on a date. But I feel its inappropriate to go on a first date on a holiday....and a holiday like V-Day at that. Usually there is some happy ending at the end and  that def wouldn't happen with someone I met out and about. Might I add, his name is even saved in my phone...oops. Blame Kettle One.

The person that I wanted to do something nice for, wasn't available for that, or not open to it. Wanted to show my appreciation but I guess that's too much.

Not like I think of them like the love of my life but I do think he deserves, well deserved something. But guess its a good thing, because I didn't even get a text.

Yep....nothing, nada, zip.

At least I didn't say how I really feel. Imagine how my pride would have been shot.

Lol, imagine what this blog would have been like...TRAGIC lol.

But today was still great. It was gorgeous, mom had a good day, I had girl scout cookies, got somethings done, spent time with my neighbors and now might go to this singles party.

Hope everyone had a great one :)



Sometimes its easier to say how I'm feeling, really feeling here.
And then sometimes I blog, but don't publish the blog because some thoughts don't need reactions/opinions.

Today was horrible. Finally broke down and told my friends how I feel, how I've been feeling (overwhelmed,sad). I feel comfort in knowing my friends have my back but not really better.

I wear a smile well. I've made an art of deflecting attention away so you don't notice what's going on.

My moms doctors apt didn't go well today. She was just off, her mind was all over the place and the doctor ordered an mri. smh.

February just sucks because I think of my dad. But this year I'm thinking of him more. Not sure if its because of the life decisions I'm having to make for myself and my mom, or just regular grief.

Don't get it twisted, I'm blessed. And there are many happy, fulfilling moments in my life. Not all my smiles and jokes are fake. Made a couple of new friends even.

I just have to ask for help. I have to stop being so stubborn (main trait of a taurus lol). And holding feelings inside is a habit I've picked back up smh. Like a volcano, I know better.

I'm just a work in progess. I'm growing up. I feel like I'm becoming a strong, more aware adult.

Life isn't perfect, but I'm glad for the one I have :)