The Time

It's been hard for me to blog lately. Stuff is changing. Feelings are getting tested. Too many damn thoughts going through my mind. Folks testing my breaking point.

Like today...I was reminded of a past friendship. I have made a promise to myself that I will not become friends with her again, but today I missed the friendship, but not her. Does that make sense? At one point it was complete understanding. I didn't have to hide any part of me and if I tried it didn't work.

I really need to talk to God to get my relationship on some sort of path with my mom. I can't stand it. It hurts alot. I can't talk to her freely. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. 5 seconds of loving bliss turns into an all out brawl. I can't say I miss the days when we were close cuz that was never the case. In her world she thinks it is so. But we only talked when we had to. She only found out personal stuff by chance. It pains me, cuz I don't have a dad to go ask for advice. My aunts and uncles think it's not that bad so can't go to their wisdom or helping hands. I hate feeling alone in that house. People have bigger problems, but a relationship with my mom I view priceless. I don't know, I am rambling.

Even the mighty Nigerians have fallen. I knew their time would come, can't live fast and flashy forever. But facing 25 is crazy! I remember when my aunt died and KG took me out to distract my mind and he put a smile on my face. Months later we are fighting, physically fighting, then strangers, and now he is running. I remember how Que used to be so damn sensitive and now he is being shipped from one federal prison to another. As much went down with that crew, I feel bad for them. Especially Charlie, if there was a way I could visit him or call I would. I mean he was always so sweet. I can say he was a homeboi who listened. Maybe one day I could write him a letter of appreciation.

It would be nice to disappear for real. If I have one more friend hurt me, see more death in my family, one more fight with my mother, one more person reminding me how pathetic I feel that I havne't found a good job, one more negro feeling some sort of attachment to my weight/butt, one more person not hearing me when I say I am hurting and listen.......dark place.

Happier note:

~Kroger makes these off the chain iced sugar cookies

~Reading a great book

~Had a great time at my line sister's wedding

~Reading Daphne's blog

~My mom found my dad's old wallet

So........niggas niggaz negros negras

Trying to broaden my horizons. Different types of men. I swear foolishness can hide in all different kinds of packages. The opposite sex is truly begininning to make me nervous. So, I am no longer going after my type, the opposite of my type, any type at all......I'm just going to ask God to smack me in the face with a righteous one, and some direction, and some clues, lol. Or really stop talking to anyone for a very long time. Same thing of getting sick and tired, I am. I am not the best candidate, but damn, shit happens before I am able to present myself.

Mr. Gimme Some Suga aka Wayne
Age: 46
1st Encounter: Chachos
Funniness: Weird shaped head
Ill shit #1: Thinks that pointing out my physical flaws will somehow make me want him more, make me want to belong to him, some type of "old man" mind games. Of course I had to school him on the being that is Amber. Explain to him that yes, my skin isn't perfect, and?! If you are willing to help me out with some drastic cosmetic surgery, talk about it. But if you are going to do nothing and hang on to your old man skin, kiss my ass and pay for my dinner.
Ill shit #2: Thinks that talking about how different he is from younger guys, will motivate me to think of him as more attractive. umm, not really. Just points out the fact that you are more knowledgeable, not better. Yea you know the 5 star restaurants, I hope you would, since you were alive when they were first established.
Ill shit #3: When I decide to have dinner with you, and attempt to take you seriously as a person in my life, I expect your son not to be at the table. I mean did I say I wanted a family date, NO! Did I say I wanted to meet your son and bridge a gap, NO! So innappropiate and uncomfortable I was. I was looking at the little boy, he was looking at me. I was thinking why is he so short, and he was thinking why the hell is she taking attention away from me. I'm an only child, so I can only imagine what thoughts were turning in his head. But by the end the kid liked me, but who cares really. I am not trying to be wifey/girlfriend or anything. I want companionship over a good meal! Being honest
Ill shit #4: He said "gimme some suga" I think my grandpa said that to me once.......tear!

Mr. I think it is okay to own 3 Cadillacs.......
AGE: 30!
1st Encounter: Country Western Bar (yes the hoods were in the building at Cowboy Central)
Funninness: sniffs alot.....is it crack or a cold?
Ill Shit #1: I met him on Wednesday....Thursday I had 9 calls.
Ill Shit #2: He actually said the following, "Women come a dime a dozen. And you can buy a woman too. Especially if you have transportation and some money in your pocket." I had to explain to him that not all women are impressed with shinanigins....me. And if he is able to buy a women, and he goes thru the process, he is no better than her simple ignorant behind.
Ill Shit #3: Told me he does bad things. What the hell is a "bad thing?"
Ill Shit #4: Owns 3 different Cadillacs. Escalade, a long 4 door one (not really into cars), and a third one that has at least 5 screens sitting on 24s at least and some other electronic shit I know nothing about, oh and it's candy apple red. How much does he want the police to come knocking at his door? I don't get how one could be so obsessed with one kind of car.....tear

< So I miss Taurus. He is holding down 2 jobs, good for him. Maybe he will have some down time on Monday.....I just truly don't want to start spending time at his house, because that is when he has time off. Stuff happens, expectations have the possiblity to change, other problems arise. I want to date! I want to traditionally date....get to know somebody...make sure I won't have that inner voice telling me to put you in your place all the time.....Taurus is the lucky number 32. I like the fact that I look up to him. I like he leads me. I like his name. I like saying it. I like typing it.

My Issues With Politics

1. Why does Obama's acceptance speech have to be such a profound usage of foolery? I mean the lights the stage, the music, the location, etc.? Watching the speech now, and it is a great speech. He doesn't need all that drama. No other president has needed such a show to get elected or to be so desperate for the votes of independent voter.



2. Why won't John Mccain tell the world who his running mate is? Okay....it is some random lady from Alaska, go snow! Bet Obama's team is nervous about all those potential females votes to lose. Ooopsies, bet Clinton isn't look so harmful now at all



3. Isn't it crazy how great Hillary Clinton's speech was? I think the best one of her life. I really hope she is able to make some fierce changes in Washington with that new degree of passion....especially for health care.

4. Who else thinks Republicans are hillarious? From their crazy affiars, hillarious statements, outrageous backgrounds, I can't wait for the Republican National Convention!

5. How come on TV1 their coverage had to be called the "DNC Afterparty?" Guess it is too hard to spell out Democratic National Convention, or too hard to give the show a proper name like panel or something. It's not a party, it is politics! Serious business.

6. Damn it's a bitch I didn't keep my major political science......

7. And another comment about TV1, why are there comedians on the panel? Well let me say less informed comedians contributing to the conversation of the importance of this election. Sheryl's first comment related to Hillary's suit, not the content of her speech and the potential impact it might have. Tear on Sheryl's life!

8. So....if Mccain's hair is already white, what color will it change when he gets really stressed?

Politics, what a ham?

Take A Note!!

Sidenote: To Torrence, I am scared. I am scared of the city of Atlanta and anyone that decides to make that their home. lol

Clearly this is going to be all over the place. Please just read it, laugh, take it to the head like a shot of tequilla.....

NIGGAS WHO KEEP CALLING ME SKINNY/ANOREXIC/CANCEROUS: I guess these individuals haven't seen me in a long time. Or maybe they have changed their taste buds to big/thick/outrageous girls. But I still wear the same clothes, so there is no way in hell I am just skinny and need to start drinking some protein shakes. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind for the bootie to get back to it's original royalty shape, but it's still some leftover cornbread back there. I swear the next person to same some ill shit about me and some weight I may or may not have lost is going to get my good shoe stuck so far up there.........nose!!!! ?

THE FOLKS AT NBC WHO DECIDE WHAT IS GOING TO BE COVERED OF THE OLYMPICS: I feel like the Spartans or whoever intiated the Olympics began with running events. So why the hell is it so hard for me to find coverage of Track and Field? I mean that is what you think about, that is the heart of the game! I mean NBC, MSNBC, USA, CNBC not nan one thought it was important to show the 100meter. So folks waking up in the morning for no reason. But they showed competitive bicycling with that weird bike that goes really fast. Why the hell do I want to watch a weird bike go around a track that I want to see folks running on.......TEAR!

FOLKS WHO KEEP ASKING ME ABOUT FINDING A JOB BUT IN THE SAME SENTENCE TALK ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND ONE..............: what the hell?

MAD AT MYSELF FOR NOTICING THE REPETITIVE DIALOUGE IN THE TYLER PERRY PLAYS!!!!

TAURUS: I like the man. Met up with him, I think he is awesome. But I found out in a 30 minute convo he is like 32 with two children, 10 and 12. Makes me nervous! Yes his name is Taurus, my sign.

Run it Down.....

So back in Houston. It has been quite an adjustment. I mean dealing with my mom, having no money, trying to find a job, dealing with new prospects in my life........hilarity indeed!!

NAME: Taurus
MET: At a grown folks function
OCCUPATION: Barber
HEIGHT: Taller than me at least
DISCUSSION: He seems cool. Works almost everyday making that money. Invited me to some drinks and maybe a quite bite before he has to meet up with his family. I might be nervous. He's cool, and I like him. And he doesn't live far from me either, which is great. He lives in MO CITY BABY!!!!!

NAME: Walt
MET: Thru a friend
OCCUPATION: Something at the City of Houston
HEIGHT: Way taller than me
DISCUSSION: My homegirl, Ms. Long Hair Don't Care, talks to his homeboi....they are bestfriends and roommates. So, went over there, and he was cool as hell. And he is a member of Omega Psi Phi. No longer a Que Dawg but he is a Que Man. We ended up going swimming at like 3am. One of the best times I have had in a long ass time! Haven't talked to him really, who knows. But sidenote....he can pick me up effortless. WHOOP WHOOP! And he thinks I am skinny, time to gain some weight. HEY HEY!

NAME: Dare
MET: In High School
OCCUPATION: Something important
HEIGHT: I think the same
DISCUSSION: Just started talking. Nothing special. But he was cool as hell in high school. He is a drinker, maybe a prospective drinking buddy. Who knows who cares? It is always cool to reconnect. HOLLA!

RIP
The Nigerians of 2007 are all on the run or in jail/prison. Everyone in Dallas knew it was coming sooner or later. I wish them the best. I learned alot from them. Exposed me to alot. How things change.....................................