Who knew I would cry watching a reailty show....

So, I just finished watching Sundays episode of Kim&Kourt Take NY. Kim reached out to John Edwards, a world renowned medium, to connect with her father. His message to her, her reaction really hit home for me. I realized I would like to have an opportunity to talk to my father again. So much is going on in my life that I think his advice would be of much comfort. But talking to a medium is a big step and a little scary. You never know, the person could be a fraud or very manipulative.

February is also coming soon and is always a hard time for me (the month my father died). You would think this many years later it would be easier but its not. Certain evens, feelings, memories trigger that pain that has never left my heart. At least my home girl is coming into town and my best friend is having a big bday bash for me to look forward to.

Getting older, my mom's illness, I realize a different thing I'm missing by not having him. I am blessed to have a great god father that provides great advice and support, but....its not the same.

On a good note I was told for the first time that I act like my father. That was so crazy to hear considering the fact he died when I was in the 5th grade and I'm 27 now. I felt so proud, I felt like something about me was right :)! Reassured me that he is with me, looking over me!

So I would like to end by saying, as much we judge these reality stars, they are people like the rest of us. Makeup, producers, money, whatever it doesn't matter. The reason we watch is because we can relate, we can live in someone else shoes for a moment or judge to make ourselves feel better. I'm grateful Kim shared that moment, needed that. You might not understand, but I do.....

Duped

I got duped by someone I care about recently. Getting duped messes with your ego, your thoughts, hell even my appetite (had some freaky cravings).

Maybe I shouldn't have cared to the limit that I did, maybe I should have been more sharing with my true feelings...either way....

I learned something :)

I know now I need to be more present in situations. I need to not be afraid to be honest with my feelings. Sacrifice a little pride. Trust.

Sometimes I wish I could just read it in a manual, or have a little post it note left on my mirror. The tears, the confusion, the silence could have been avoided, well I would have preferred it.

Suffer thru the experiences to gain valuable lessons?? Completely worth it.

If I could tell him the truth without looking desperate and pathetic I would. I tried putting my words together and my friends were like....you know what makes you look like...tear smh...erase*erase*erase* lol

I'm not gonna waste my time and energy bashing him, blaming him. That does nothing but take time away from me making the necessary changes in myself. All I can say is I appreciated Bootsy's presence in my life and it will be missed. It is what it is.

No regrets, just more memories.

But go ahead to Walmart and buy some Peanut Butter Fundge No Bakes!!!!!!!!

Mom...the good times

Sometimes I only tweet, update my status when times are rough with my mom. But that's because I know my friends, followers, strangers, whomever will send me some much needed love.

Well today I had a great early dinner with my mom. It was nice sharing a meal and I began to think of all the nice dinners, nice moments we do have. And how I need to focus on those to remember her by, not the negative effects of the disease.

It also made me appreciate her more for who she is. I wish before this all went down, we would have had more moments as these. I wish I had been more aggressive in improving our relationship. I wish we could have been closer, because I'm seeing traits of my mom I never got to see....

I don't' think I got to see them because my mom was very uptight and bougie. I never really got to hear her make jokes, and let loose because as she said it was either out of place, uncouth, inappropriate.

Now I get to see my mom is funny, insightful, spunky, appreciative, sensitive and at times freaky (quite creepy to hear her comments but funny as hell).

I used to think we didn't have anything in common, now I see we do.

Blessed :) Awesome Feelings Here :)

I didn't know.....

So....I've exhausted every avenue of dealing with this issue (a person of interest.) I decided to blog about it because maybe getting it out and reading it back will get me to some point of conclusion or direction.

I care for dude, genuinely care for this dude. (I'm only saying dude cuz I'm not going to say his name)

Days have gone by with no communication and I don't understand why. There was no argument, altercation to lead to this. Mind you we talk all day everyday. If its through phone calls, texts, pictures, tweets, emails...something. And now nothing is a mild form of torture (mental anguish). Especially with all this time I have on my hands.

Don't get me wrong, I've tried to keep busy as hell. Working out, getting on my moms nerves (lol), reading, playing with the dogs, doing favors for folks, running errands, reaching out to friends, cleaning....etc

Of course I've already debated back and forth should I call first, make the first move to at least get an answer. But fear and history is holding me back. And the days before this silence the phone calls were brief/short/un-returned. I've even laid of twitter so I don't go on a rant (we follow each other)

vulnerbilatity....ugh

I'm the type of person who likes an answer or explanation regardless if its positive or negative, regardless if it will hurt my feelings or make me a better person. I'd rather nip it in the but than this.....

...the Taurus in me?

I never imagined I would be married, living in a house with 2 kids by 27, but I thought I would at least have a clearer understanding of the opposite sex, relationships. Maybe even be in one. I feel more clueless than when I was 16 year old virgin.

I even asked married folks, older folks, single folks, young folks, males, females, gay folks, any body that could at least help me. And all are the same in not understanding this individual or situation anymore than I do.

If we're destined to just be friends, lovers, enemies, memories, etc....I just want to know. When someone can discard you this easily it hurts like no other.

But.....don't get it twisted I'm still blessed :)

Back Again

That moment you remember you have a blog and haven't blogged since January because you visited another blog that just totally irked your mind....yea....

Seriously though, twitter took my need to blog. Instead of composing my thoughts into some clever sentencing, I can just tweet the thought right then and there.....added bonus is I get immediate feedback.

@veronicastorm (yep I plugged the name)

Updates

Mommy

My mother is still physically healthy but battling a never ending mind battle of Alzheimer's. Its getting more and more frustrating to accept the fact she's not going to get better. That one day it will be hard for her to call my name, associate me as her daughter....etc. But we've been spending a lot more time together which has helped me to appreciate her even more. I wish we could have done this years ago but it wasn't meant to be. Everyday I try to make sure we do an activity but its hard when she's not in the mood or fearful of her surroundings. But I do my best to keep her happy. I love her, but I wish I could do more. She did so much for me, not just being my mom, but my dad as well. All I can is my best in this situation and make the best decisions for her. I'm all she has, she's all I have :)

Dating. Men. The Struggle.

I've come to learn that being single is a growth experience but at the same time a challenging experience. One minute I think I have the answer the next minute I'm back to square one. I am single but my attention concentrates on one man in particular. That attention came naturally, unintentionally. Hard to decide how to navigate in that situation because of all the humps and hurdles. Keeping and open eye and mind as best as I can. But with the situation with my mom, I see the importance of companionship. Even if it doesn't go thru to the altar, people should take more chances in finding someone. Shouldn't wait till you get "successful" or wait for the "one." I'm willing to take chances, make mistakes, create memories. Hopefully someone is willing to do the same :)

Family (blood/non blood)

Trying. Pressuring. Judgemental. Disappointing. Conditional Love.

Me. Extra Info.

Been doing a lot of reading lately. Its my fav hobby and relaxes me. I don't have to worry about reality and like I always say, it's the cheapest vacation out there. I've also been trying to write, get my thoughts out of my head and hopefully compose into a book. I would love to write about my experience with my mom&Alzheimer's as well as realistic fictional stories that young woman can identify with.

Another tid bit, started to exercise. About to subscribe to Women's Health Magazine and join a gym. I need to turn my physical health around, get my metabolism back to moving. I don't want to be in my thirties looking at old pictures depressed or in the doctors office praying for good news.

Well I miss sharing my thoughts with friends and strangers. So blogging has to return to my daily routine, suffer with me :)

wow....

I tried a new support group today (for Alzheimers). It was held at an actual assisted living facility. I was optimistic walking in, during the session I held it together, but as I toured the place......my emotions began to spin out of control. Somehow I managed not to let it out until I got home. It was horrible, still feels horrible.

Regardless of how nice a place is, or how friendly the people are, I still have to make the decision to put my mom somewhere. How can I do that? She deserves to be in her house, living her life. Not on a schedule, not confined.

What will I do with my life without her?

I'm going to have to make some major decisions this year, but I'm not ready to make them. But there is no one else that can. My family could care less and wouldn't even notice.

I feel alone. I have great friends, I have a great support system, but I can't tell them how I REALLY feel.

And if I couldn't get any weaker, I have a spiffy with my person of interest (as I call him). Couple of years ago, I wouldve been able to let it roll of my back or move on. Yesterday and today I just feel real bad about it. I don't even feel comfortable enough to let him know how much I care for him. Its sad....

Does that make me weak, pathethic? I would like a chance to date, maybe fall in love. But am I ready for what comes along with that? Doubt, idk, no.....

Writing here because my thoughts and feelings are safe here. No judgements or worries. No having to explain myself, prove myself.

People really don't want to "hear"me. And I can't put that on someone.

I hope I find some answers soon or they find me.

...how do you know?

When is it ok to settle? When is it ok to hold out for something better? When is it time to make it work, or run like a scared lamb?

Dating, sexing, texting, chatting, tweeting, meeting, loving, befriending, hugging, kissing any type of interaction with the opposite sex has become dreadful as physics was to me freshman year of college.

I know I don't want it to be easy, but damn, I didn't want it to be confusing and an annoyance.

I honestly thought by this age I would be in a serious relationship. I wasn't looking to marriage and babies. I don't want babies!! maybe marriage??

I have looked at what I want versus what I need. I have listed the things I can't live without. I no longer waste my time with those I am not interested in (like dates with randoms, waste of my time).

I thought maybe internet dating but folks said that was just desperate and I'm not at the stage yet. I don't think its desperate, but at least I can shop for options. I thought maybe speed dating, but no one would dare go with me. Live on the edge a little bit ladies lol.

I have a twitter account, @veronicastorm, where men like to inbox/dm me with their interests. That just makes me nervous. Because I have no profile to base you on, and its too easy to judge your random thoughts (tweets).

So....I think I will just rely on this "feeling" everyone has talked about. Or this "inkling" that will have me pay attention. Or maybe this "sparkle" will appear and some corny love music will play in the background. idk, I would just settle for Jodeci, a king special from Frenchys and a big hug.

Everyone, just breathe and enjoy your day.

Short&Sweet

Yesterday I got a text that sent me into a quick crash mode. Crash mode is like that ugly slave cry and the inability to speak English. Yes, it was quite a scene. But that happens when a friend of yours decides out the blue they no longer want you in their life. Yep. Short and not sweet.

I even replied, you think I got a reply back? nope.

I get everyone has the right to make their own decisions about the friendships they want to keep or let go. But you shouldn't have to crush someone's feelings in the process. I was ignored for more than a week. It wasn't till I said I was driving over there till I got the short and sweet text.

I forgot to include that my friend said they would always be there for me. Really? Like you are here for me now. I don't know. All I know is you would think that after years of friendship I deserved a phone call, a meeting, or a text when the decision had been made.

So, I guess they can sit in their apartment comfortable with their decision. As I will have to do the same. I just hope I don't have to face a retraction. I'm not a fucking yo yo and won't be yanked around.

Thanks for the real moments and the acts.

Sure Thing Now...

Stopped by Lubys to get my mom dinner last night and ran into an author. She freely shared with me knowledge of her wirting process, mistakes to avoid and her previous work. I took it as a sign to stop being scary and nervous. Just dive in. Better to go back and fix things than to just think of what I could do.

I've always wanted to be a writer. I have concepts in my head. I can visually see the characters, I can see them like I know them. I want to put them on paper. Even if only my close friends read them, it will still be an accomplishment.

There is a void amongst African American fiction writiers that I think I can fill.

So, everyday I am dedicating time to write. And I'm excited to see what happens.

Everyone have a good day :)

long time, no blog

I haven't blogged in a minute, because sometimes it's too hard to let stuff out. Actually read it and see it. Easier to think about it, discuss with some friends, but never personally staring at it.

It hasn't been easy with my mom. Some days are good and some days are bad. Other days it's bad and good all in the same day. I have to admit I think this is making me stronger and a bit weaker in some areas. I have lost focus on goals and what I really want in life.

On a good note, I am recognizing the signs to let people stay and go in my life. I have learned the importance of self-reflection. I am learning patience and understanding. I realized my passion for reading and writing.

I plan to start blogging again for myself. I miss writing and talking to people and hearing folks opinions.

I must say I appreciate the people who are in my life and want to be in my life. That exculdes my family, blood family. I have totally avoided them, and pushed them out. They are not there for my mother, of which I can't respect nor understand (funny I say I've learned understanding).

But what a blessing it has been for the definition of family to change for me. My friends, my neighbors, my mother's friends, parents of the children I take care of, even my drunk god father has been a huge help!

So this week I am making changes to protect and enhance my life. I'm taking a step into taking chances and facing challenges head on! WHEW HOO!

Shoutouts to 2010!

Soo...mobile blogging

I am going to start mobile blogging. I think it's healthy I do such lol.

First off.......dating is clearly only for entertainment this year. I should not expect anything to come out of any prospects expect good stories to tell, laughter and blog material. But I will say it does ease up the tension that I deal with on a daily basis with my mom......

......and my mom for some reason has eased up the meaness. Don't know what that is about. Alzheimer's is a crazy disease. To see how it can transform someone into someone else is just mind blowing. Just the fact my mom curses trips me out everytime. Especially when she drops the f bomb........

........I have discoverd my passion for cursing is getting out of control........

..............speaking on things getting out of control, like how much I use my phone now. I got a new one, it's called the Eternity. I am forever on the internet, texting, playing games, looking at new applications, looking for music, chatting on aim and messenger (which I have not done in years), mobile banking, now blogging. ANd it gets on MY LAST NERVES WHEN I AM USING MY PHONE AND SOME RANDOM (A MALE) HAS TO EITHER LOOK AT MY PHONE, ASK WHAT KIND OF PHONE IT IS, WHY AM I ON MY PHONE SO MUCH, CAN I GET OFF MY PHONE I AM DISTRACTING THEM, IS THEIR NUMBER IN MY PHONE, CAN THEIR NUMBER BE ENTERED IN MY PHONE, CAN THEY USE MY PHONE, CAN THEY PLAY WITH THE PHONE...........

yep, that's it for now. Oh and another thing....Goodbye, and have a great remainder (got that from someone, but forgot who)

Thanksgiving....what happened?

I used to get excited about this holiday.

I could care less this year.

Well really I didn't care last year. I was in New Orleans.

This year, I am in Houston, minding my own business.....but who is the 1 person who won't give me peace....my mother!
I mean, my homegirl has been the hospital for some days, and I have been with her. Of course my mother had a problem with that. Not that I was trying to be a good friend, or the fact I fucked up my back in that chair, but that I wasn't at home for her to take her frustrations out on. Tear my life.
So I told her days ago I was not, and refused to go to the country to my grandma's house. I just don't have the mind to be around family. I don't feel like hearing about why we don't have this certain dish cuz my aunt wrist hurts too much to cook everything....but she won't give up no recipes or give warning, BOO!
Of course she attempts to charge me up today.....where are you? you doing drugs? you at a drug house? when are you coming home? you aren't going to grandma's?.....and on and on.....
I am tired of her paranoia. I told her I have been at the hospital and somehow it has turned into me hanging out at a drug house. HOw does it go left to right?

So I am spending it with Tia, my poor friend who just had her appendix taken out. I am spending it with her family who is laid back and treats me like family. I don't feel the need to fake a smile. I can be myself and eat and not be depressed.

And what happened to the business of Thanksgiving? Traveling is down. Decorations are non-existent, I only see Christmas stuff that was put out right after Halloween....hmmmmm.....suspicious...

The Time

It's been hard for me to blog lately. Stuff is changing. Feelings are getting tested. Too many damn thoughts going through my mind. Folks testing my breaking point.

Like today...I was reminded of a past friendship. I have made a promise to myself that I will not become friends with her again, but today I missed the friendship, but not her. Does that make sense? At one point it was complete understanding. I didn't have to hide any part of me and if I tried it didn't work.

I really need to talk to God to get my relationship on some sort of path with my mom. I can't stand it. It hurts alot. I can't talk to her freely. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. 5 seconds of loving bliss turns into an all out brawl. I can't say I miss the days when we were close cuz that was never the case. In her world she thinks it is so. But we only talked when we had to. She only found out personal stuff by chance. It pains me, cuz I don't have a dad to go ask for advice. My aunts and uncles think it's not that bad so can't go to their wisdom or helping hands. I hate feeling alone in that house. People have bigger problems, but a relationship with my mom I view priceless. I don't know, I am rambling.

Even the mighty Nigerians have fallen. I knew their time would come, can't live fast and flashy forever. But facing 25 is crazy! I remember when my aunt died and KG took me out to distract my mind and he put a smile on my face. Months later we are fighting, physically fighting, then strangers, and now he is running. I remember how Que used to be so damn sensitive and now he is being shipped from one federal prison to another. As much went down with that crew, I feel bad for them. Especially Charlie, if there was a way I could visit him or call I would. I mean he was always so sweet. I can say he was a homeboi who listened. Maybe one day I could write him a letter of appreciation.

It would be nice to disappear for real. If I have one more friend hurt me, see more death in my family, one more fight with my mother, one more person reminding me how pathetic I feel that I havne't found a good job, one more negro feeling some sort of attachment to my weight/butt, one more person not hearing me when I say I am hurting and listen.......dark place.

Happier note:

~Kroger makes these off the chain iced sugar cookies

~Reading a great book

~Had a great time at my line sister's wedding

~Reading Daphne's blog

~My mom found my dad's old wallet