Lacking Answers

Why do people wake up suddenly, and decide to enter your life, then when you try to give it a chance, back up?

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How come I found a guy that could work, that I'm willing to take a chance on, and he is like 5 feet tall? I mean without heels I am taller than him. It's just weird and uncomfortable. I feel like if I ever sat on his lap, I would crush him.

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When will a guy forgive me for not wanting to move in with him and take it slow? I mean a stable relationship and chilling in a big house in Mesquite is appealing, but.....all that comes with it....not hot. I've tried to at least open up a pathway and he is not having it. I know if I asked him to forgive me and yelped I'm ready, he would have his truck at my apartment picking up my clothes. Uh....!!!!!!!!

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I wish friends would give credit to me for not talking to their boos when they try to holla at me. And I wish those same friends would try not to talk to any of my boos behind my back. At least let me know, give me a clue, not set up an operation and I find out later. I mean I might have been able to make it easier. But I guess it is what it is.

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Changing numbers frequently gets on my nerves (not me, people who do that). And I hate when those folks call and get mad when you don't recognize the number nor voice. I hate having to save that new number, and go delete the old number. I hate when people call asking for the new number, and you don't know if you can give it out or not. I wish I could change my number, but it took me so long to memorize it. So I have had it since high school. LOL

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But at the end of the day, life is good. I've been able to take even more time to myself, get my head together, get away from folks. WHile they sitting over there plotting on my ass, I am able to rest. I swear two of my closest friends hit me with a spray of emotional bullets. But due to my new found strength, it hurt just a bit. While my ex is cooking up new ways to mind fuck me, I release my energy into all the books that I am reading, my exercising, hunting for a new job, the usual. I appreciate the options and the adventures, but I can't wait till they are positive. Where I write a blog about a great date, a great coversation, a great guy who makes me sit back and think DAMN lol
Have a good day. And remember, IT'S TIME FOR TURKEY SANDWICHES!!

It Goes A Little Something Like This....

Been containing a lot of my thoughts inside. I tend to do that, not a good thing I must say. But there have been many changes and bullshit and confusion to where it hasn't been easy to blog.

But let me just spill about the following freaks of nature:

(1) Bottom Lip: thinks he is the man because he knows how to put a sentence together. I mean he thinks that talking the way he does, just makes him fine/sexy/hot/attractive/wanted/needed.....and he was none of those ( I cannot lie he looks good just too skinny). I mean he was so light skinned I thought he was glowing, I mean he was. It wasn't the bacon grease around his mouth, it was just his skin, good skin, just to glowy for me, lol. ANd the fact that I could respond to his creative sentences, just got him all hot bothered. So I played along because I was bored at the IHOP. Talked to him on the phone afterward and I swear I could feel him getting horny thru the phone. And it made me wonder, what females do you talk to? Not happening, I don't support it!

(2) Short Fat Fuck/Shortie Doo Whop: set me up, put me in a horrible situation, and then expected me to continue to give him the time of day. LIke I know I am not the baddest, but I know I am fulfulling a favor by putting up with hotmess. So I say I don't want to talk to him anymore, and he can't accept that. But when I talk to another male, and he finds out, all of a sudden I am horrible, he doesn't want to talk to mme, I am a whore/slut/hoe and so on and so on. Like get a life, wack word usage doesn't hurt my feelings, and I still don't feel bad or want you. Illl (nasty sound) if I have to run into him. I ahven't, and it's been a blessing.

(3) Potential SugarDaddy: I don't know what is going on in his life, but glad he is still in the potential status. He has his hot days and his cold days. Either day it makes me nervous.

(4) Grown Ass Man/Dule: still calls randomly. Will never say he misses me, but will say where have you been, why havn't I heard from you, you just came across my mind, I don't know why I called....and he continues. It's like bullshit, admit it, and since you can't the conversation will remain less that 2minutes. I don't need my feelings getting all in a motion because you decided to give me seconds/minutes of your life. I deserve more and I deserve better.

(5) My Mother: I know it is wrong to call her a freak of nature, but she's been acting freakish lately. I mean her fear of staying in the house and being safe has transferred into fear of Amber's whereabouts. I mean I get calls, her friends are calling. I can't take it! I tried to stay in Houston with her, but she started making me paranoid. I know she went thru a crazy scary experience, but damn her behavior made it more scary. I wasn't tripping about staying there, until when I wen t to sleep and she was coming in my room at least 3-4 times to check on me. Or every noise she shouts out my name. Scary Scary Scary!!! I am going to go home in a couple of weeks, gotta be there for her, but damn I am jumpy in my apt here, TEAR!

(6) My BestFriend: don't know if we are even still friends. I haven't heard from her ever since I said I couldn't afford to go to her Moving Away/Going Away party. I mean the tickets are $100 and that was presale. Then it's an all white party so I would have to get something to wear. That's at least $50 - $100. I said I coudlnt afford it, and I got hit with some rude ass text messages. Tear my life. I was sad that day, because it was like calling out an insecurity. But I talked it out (w/myself), then talked it out with another homegirl to see if I was tripping, watched Lifetime, and realized that even if I had $100 it wouldn't go to a party. I love shoes too much. There are a pair of shoes that I really really want for that price, well a bit nmore expensive. I don't know.

(7) John Mccain: you are too old to run for president.

(8) Kendrick Dennis: how do you know about this blog? I mean you are one FBI/CIA kind of nigga. I just know by the age of 32 you will have killed me or have attempted to kill me. Either way Adam has the rights to write my Lifetime Movie......MOMENT OF TRUTH: The Amber Clark Story LOL. How you still make me laugh and smile....so weird but sweet huh? (Whoa is me, I'm a victim)

(9) Braxton Williams: I want you to forget I existed. NO I didn't call you on my birthday, or check in when I returned to Houston. NO I didn't change my schedule when you got off work. NO NO NO do I owe you anything. And at some point in your life you sould realize that. Still you are my first puppy love.

(10) Jermaine the Lame: for being the type of guy I didn't know I would truly like and be interested in. It sucks how I came to find out he's engaged, and now he isn't, and it's still ill (nasty sound). I know we get along great, have more in common than any other guy I have ever had interest in. I can stay on the phone with him for hours, talking, not just sitting on the phone. He truly makes me laugh, not that fake laugh people hear when they are sucky not funny. I love how I kind of get excited when I hear his ringtone ring, the chance at seeing him, the compliments he dishes out, smiling....But I know we could never be serious, be to weird.

That's about it for right now....Have a great day!

Take A Seat........

I love Cinco de Mayo, but I will now remember the holiday not for the strong margaritas, but the fact that two dumb fucks tried to break into my mother's house. Let me set it out for you

(a) We live in a very busy neighborhood (b) Our house is in the front of the neighborhood and we live on the corner of the main street (c) all of our neighbors are basically stay @ home moms and what not. (d) our front door is huge, thick and only has a smal amount of I think it's caled plexi glass (I don't know, not easily broken)

Well, they tried to enter the house during the day, right before noon (really?). My mom was at home, and they tried to go thru the front door in their colorful clothing. One of the gentlemen had on a pink shirt (who robs in pink?). They tried their hardest to get thru the door. Thankfully my mom pressed the panic button and hid in the closet. By the time the cops did their thing and had to coax my mom out of the closet, the stupids were gone (damn).

I am thankful my mom is ok, and they didn't get in the house. I'm just mad that they messed up our door, of which now my mother has to get a new one which is close to a thousand dollars. I am furious that now my mom doens't feel comfortable to stay in her own house, that she paid for. My mom is all nervous, so nervous she didn't wish me happy birthday to like 5:30pm. I'm mad that now all the women in my neighborhood are nervous, cuz it could've been their house the stupids tried to hit.

I mean just stupids, I hate stupids, and I hope these stupids give up on robbing and go to the adult day care center where they belong.

Another Step...

I saw someone from my past on Sunday. I was only official with him for about a couple of months, but he made such an impact on me.



It was The Gentleman....(NewYork Guy for those that know)



I saw him in BeBe at Northpark Mall.



All I could do was stare, question if that was him, return his smiles, and just stare. So immature and middleschoolish I know, but man oh man.



Of course I gave the signal of "come here." He began to walk towards me and his female (that I hadn't noticed) said, "come look at these sunglasses." So he gave me some type of signal (don't know what it meant) and weird smile and walked over to her. Of course my stubborn ass didn't decide to wait and see their connection, or what sunglasses she was eyeing, so me and Light Bright left the store.



I was in total shock the rest of the day. Couldn't believe the one person I truly tried to open up to , was a few feet away from me.



I saw him later that evening in a parking lot. We have a mutual friend, SirMixAlot, and I was told to come over.



I didn't, even thou I wanted to run over in my new "candy apple red 5 inch heels" and flirt and smile and flirt and smile.



I couldn't run to him, like showing him how much I miss him and want him back in my life. I felt like he could come towards me, get my number, call me, make some effort. He did me bad, and I just think it's his turn.



Well, he is still in town, and I will probably run into him again...if it is fate. Maybe next time I see him we will actually just say hey, maybe have a mild convo. I'm not expecting to be his baby mommma or anything like that, but to hear his voice would be nice.



It's crazy that an enounter with someone, that lasted only a couple of months, got me all twisted something serious.

I can't support it....

Why is it okay for a guy to make up excuses for not following thru? Like they really go thru this whole justification process and expect you to believe in it........

The following was said to me: I'm not in love you, but I'm in love with yo ass!! So am I supposed to be like, thankyou for the honesty? Am I supposed to introduce you to my ass? Is that supposed to be like a compliment for me? Why would a nigga say that out loud??

A guy, I shall call him, ShortieDooWhop or ShortFatFuck, had the nerve to give me a proposed deadline to when he can get it. When I say get it, I mean he wants have All Access to my Treasure Palace. Who the hell gives people deadlines? And if you give someone a deadline, that means you are quite desperate and trying to scare me. Like if I don't meet the deadline I won't get a taste of your lollipop and that would be......well since I'm not doing that stupid shit, I won't taste the lollipop and life will go on. Life might be better, lol. Like the nerve, the audacity, the boldness. And what is sick, is that he said it like he said it before and it worked. If I ever find the trick that allowed someone to say this shit to her and she followed thru, I'm going psycho on her bitch ass. BITCHASSNESS!

KILLA (The guy who threatned to beat me to death and buy a ticket back to his country Nigeria of course), started talking to me randomly outside of Sting last week. And when I reminded him of my death threat, he acted like he didn't remember. I guess he didn't remember calling me close to 50 times, leaving a 10minute voicemail, hunting around his area for me with his gun, talking about me and how he was going to get me to folks, staring at me from across the room, etc. Amazing. He even told ShortieDooWhop to stop talking to me, so that he could talk to me again. HAHA he misses my bitch ass, lol

The following was said to me: Amber, who calls you baby? Of course I said no one, and no one ever will. He goes then when can I call you baby? Just to let you know he said this loud and in front of like 10 people. Really, is that yo line to get me? Are you trying to embarass me? So, baby was the only thing you could think of? What exactly is a "baby" in your wack ass world?

Negro Please

The Ish:

So I went to Houston with Little Bit and the Spanish Conquistador (code names, they get them, chill out). Really went to spend time with mi mama (who is feeling better, but isn't all the way there) and ended having the opportunity to go to the Mary J/Jay Z concert.

My person of sponsership was supposed to be the guy I met last time I was home. Unfortunately he was discovered to have a great amount of back hair. But I kept in touch, cuz he can always shave/wax that off. He offered me a ticket I glady accepted.

All of a sudden my inbox of text messages was full of things like this.....
"I can't wait!!" "I'm excited" "Can't wait to see yo sexy azz again"

~~Pause~~

~~Breathe~~


Now I know I am supposed to be excited that a man would be excited to spend time with me.

I know I am supposed to feel flattered when a man throws compliments my way.

But something just doesn't sit right, when the man sends more than 6 messages of this kind like he just got out of jail, or a submarine or something. He made me nervous.....

So the day comes of the concert, I'm not too excited. Because I am not really a concert person unless I see some backupdancers, the set changing, like I need to get my money's worth. Jay Z, I have the DVD, that's good enough for me. But no way was I going to be able to listen to Mary scream in the mic about how KC did her wrong, and the depression, and how she needs acceptance.........AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Then homeboi hits me with the worst of it all......"What color are you wearing, I need to know so we can match."

~~Pause~~

~~Breathe~~

~~WTF~~

In the end, I didn't go to the concert. I actually got him to sell my ticket and give me the profits. Well he only gave me some of the profits, but I thought that was better than nothing.

What I learned:

1. I need to work on my patience.

2. I truly have a thing against back hair (never knew before seeing his). Especially when it goes above the shirt, like you can see it and all. And it's curly and thick, ill

3. Learn to accept things that I think and know are wack. Give a brother a chance, even thou he wants to wear matching outfits (even thou we are not in middle school and it isn't a Frankie Beverly and Maze concert).

Houston Gives It To Me

Randomly I am in Houston. Came down for the concert. Ended up selling my ticket to the concert. It's nice coming here for a break, getting a breath of fresh (not really) air. It's nice making new connects

SITUATION #1
So I messaged Memphis Bleek on myspace. I knew he would be in Htown for the concert, supporting his homie J. I went out on a limb. OMG, HE MESSAGED ME BACK!! So I got it a little late, so the odds of me seeing him are slim. But I am going to keep up hope that the lines of communication are open. The man is fine, and I like his voice.
SITUATION #2
So old man can't get it together. He is truly trying to meet up with me, but it's like his head is all over the place. I don't have the energy. So I am chilling at my line sister's house before I go have drinks with him. Guess we're meeting up. Guess I'm going to get drunk, lol.
SITUATION #3
Ole boi that got me my ticket to the concert, well he's taking me to dinner tomorrow. I am thinking Perry's Steakhouse. I can't just go there anytime, it is expensive. So yea for me, the infamous porkchops will be in my belly tomorrow. And I won't have to do much talking. Will keep food in my mouth.
SITUATION #4
I found out, while I'm here in htown, that Rick Ross will be in Dallas on Sunday. Yes, Rick Ross, the biggest boss thus far. WHo's excited.......MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE
SITUATION #5
My old boo Que is in town. He's back from Nigeria. Tear my life, we shall see where this drama-filled situation goes. Had the nerve to ask what I've been up to while he's been gone. Negro's been gone going on 3 months. Umm, what would I really say, nothing, lol.
SITUATION #6
I met a group of dudes that are married, but choose to hang out with single girls. THey pay for everything, they are funny, the like to go out, but at the end of the day....they are married. I mean I wonder what their wives are doing? Why can't they spend that time with their wives, they're at work all day....come on! Marriage scares me...and engagements too....and relationships, whew?!
SITUATION #7
Engaged foolywang is still conversing with me. Maybe because I'm not crazy like his chick. Who he conviently told me they are not together anymore. I am not falling for that. I saw that in a Lifetime movie once. He will always be a homeboi, or that nigga type status. I could never feel alright, because he doesn't place value in commitment....werid huh?

So, thankyou HOuston! Thanks for giving me options and randomness. Thankyou for the short nigga that honked at me while I was walking in the parking lot. Thankyou to the older gentleman winking at me at Kona Grill. Thankyou to the straight guy (who is really gay) who was eyefucking me at Express. Thankyou to the guys who compliment me, not just yell random shit that offends me. THankyou to the security guard at Erika's apts (HEY ERIKA) who tried to lie and say he needed my phone number for further visitor information. THANKYOU!!