Looking for my own happiness.

I have no one to talk to.

I have lost my mom, my identity, any connection to my family and some friends.

I have a new job that I love.

I am functioning to find happiness, and when I think I am getting close, I am yanked away.

I know it could be worse. I know it could be harder but mentally I am struggling. Emotionally, I am drained. Physically I am out of sync. Spiritually I am connected to nothing.

I need to get away from here. I want no reminders, no distractions.

Learning, I can't trust anyone, I have horrible judgment in friends, associates, whatever you call them.

I take a private moment, I offend people.

I become social, I offend people.

I can't please anyone. Not even myself.

Strangers I am finding are the most helpful and supportive. They don't know, don't owe you a thing. In that moment, they're committed. Tell you the truth, cuz hell, when will you see them again.

I'm scared I will get use to this loneliness. I'm scared I will prefer being by myself than around others.

Pain changes you.

I just need my mom. I need to remember her voice.

I just want to feel solid. happy. at peace. hopeful.

I sleep on the couch because I can't stand sleeping anywhere else. I feel closed in.

On the weekends I prefer hotels.

I need hugs at the rate they are given to an 8 year old. Older, people expect you to be alright. Find your own damn comfort. well my comfort is expensive.

I was excited for my 30th. Now..... I think I should just celebrate it by myself.

I can't afford to lose anyone else.

She died and everything became clearer. But somethings that became clearer, were scary to see.

I don't feel 29. Some days I feel like independent 45 year old. Then the confusion of a 19 year old. The eagerness of a 16 year old, the loneliness of 76 year old widower. I can feel the joy of 5 year old and the wisdom of 55 year old.

I wish I had the courage to walk away from A.C.

nice guy....

Ever met a really nice guy? Ever had everyone around you tell you to talk to him because he's a really nice guy?

So yea.....it was my bff's bday week, and on Sat I met her ex's brother. He was introduced to me because I guess he was really interested in my "personality" (really my body hugging dress lol).

I decided hey, take a chance, he seems "nice." Texted, chit chatted here and there. Met up at the club one night, had a blast. Next night however....drunk confessions

DUDE IS MARRIED.

Like took some vows married, like lives with his wife married, like he dies she gets a check married.

WTH??????????

He's supposed to be nice. Asked me on a proper date, gives me compliments, shows me respect.

Nice guy.

Of course he told me while he was drunk and just talking. And further explained its more of a marriage of convenience. That he can go and come as he pleases. That as we were talking on the phone, she was in the house sleep.....

WTF?!!!!!!

I don't want any parts of that. She's liable to turn me into an episode of Snapped.

But why do I have more respect for his marriage than he does?? Why does the nice one have to be taken? Why does the nice one have to be part man part animal?

So, not all nice guys are respectable. Not all nice guys are honorable. They're just nice...smh

Don't eat Wonka late at night......

because......

• you will have thoughts of passionate lovemaking sessions with unavailable people
• you will want to drive in your pjs to buy another bar
• will have you eating salty things to compensate for how sweet the bar is
• make you start tweeting again even though you were taking a break
• think about calling someone and telling them things your pride wouldn't allow you to
• play footsie with yourself
• can't sleep for shit.
• think about the downfall of reality tv...not like it could get any worse
• debate going to the gym
• say you're swearing of chocolate and going to the gym
• fuck the gym
• blog about a fucking candy bar.....

its a Wonka Waterfall chocolate bar. perfect mixture of milk and white chocolate.

Mannish Behavior

I am a female that is sick of the double standard.

My homeboys can say and do whatever and no one would dare tell them "that's classless, do better, that's not gentleman like."

I put up a few mannish tweets and all of sudden I was told to "go to bed, calm down, chill out, no class. ummmmmmm.....what.....???????

I am a woman, I can do and say whatever I feel like.

I am also a single woman.

But being single, and young, you have needs/wants/passion/desires. I want someone I can share them with, safely but explosive fun.

But its also hard having a sexual relationship because of all the limitations, codes, rules, opinions that come along. Are you actually boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you want that? Can you handle if it is or not?

what happens when feelings become involved? when time continues to pass? uncertainty...

who has the answers for me? cuz no book does....Dr Phil sure in the hell doesn't...

idk....not to be vulgar on here but damn it I'm horny and want someone to myself to have fun with. too much to ask? not enough? impossible? pass my prime lol?

idk....pretend you didn't just read all that lol

V-Day

Today was a great day. I was busy starting from like 6am to the evening. My mom had a MRI this morning and she did well. I thought she would have been a bit nervous but she slept like a baby. Her results come Friday so hopefully nothing bad at all.

My mom and I spent V-Day together. I don't think she appreciated the holiday for what it is but still enjoyed herself.

She also got chocolates from the neighbors and I wish yall could have seen the dance she did. Way too excited over some chocolate, ate the whole box lol.

Long as she is eating something :)

I got a few gifts and even was asked on a date. But I feel its inappropriate to go on a first date on a holiday....and a holiday like V-Day at that. Usually there is some happy ending at the end and  that def wouldn't happen with someone I met out and about. Might I add, his name is even saved in my phone...oops. Blame Kettle One.

The person that I wanted to do something nice for, wasn't available for that, or not open to it. Wanted to show my appreciation but I guess that's too much.

Not like I think of them like the love of my life but I do think he deserves, well deserved something. But guess its a good thing, because I didn't even get a text.

Yep....nothing, nada, zip.

At least I didn't say how I really feel. Imagine how my pride would have been shot.

Lol, imagine what this blog would have been like...TRAGIC lol.

But today was still great. It was gorgeous, mom had a good day, I had girl scout cookies, got somethings done, spent time with my neighbors and now might go to this singles party.

Hope everyone had a great one :)



Sometimes its easier to say how I'm feeling, really feeling here.
And then sometimes I blog, but don't publish the blog because some thoughts don't need reactions/opinions.

Today was horrible. Finally broke down and told my friends how I feel, how I've been feeling (overwhelmed,sad). I feel comfort in knowing my friends have my back but not really better.

I wear a smile well. I've made an art of deflecting attention away so you don't notice what's going on.

My moms doctors apt didn't go well today. She was just off, her mind was all over the place and the doctor ordered an mri. smh.

February just sucks because I think of my dad. But this year I'm thinking of him more. Not sure if its because of the life decisions I'm having to make for myself and my mom, or just regular grief.

Don't get it twisted, I'm blessed. And there are many happy, fulfilling moments in my life. Not all my smiles and jokes are fake. Made a couple of new friends even.

I just have to ask for help. I have to stop being so stubborn (main trait of a taurus lol). And holding feelings inside is a habit I've picked back up smh. Like a volcano, I know better.

I'm just a work in progess. I'm growing up. I feel like I'm becoming a strong, more aware adult.

Life isn't perfect, but I'm glad for the one I have :)

Dilemma

Doesn't matter how big of a wall you build up, some people can scale it with no problem.

But what do you do when your heart wants someone but your mind knows the reality of the situation?

I genuinely miss the days of high school, where if someone liked you, they passed you a note. No confusion in "check yes or no."

Last night was another reminder of how invested I'm in. Also that I'm single, he's single.

I've protected my heart, my life as much as I could. Now I'm stuck in situation that doesn't depend on my decisions, depends on someone else's decisions/opinions/actions.

Vulnerability is a hard pill to swallow.

Looking for a book or the right advice to help me out. Nothing.

I don't want anyone else. I want the opportunity to try.

It could be love. It could be curiosity. It could be appreciation.

I hate not knowing (minor control issues lol)

I found a friend in him.

Reading Comprehension...can end a relationship

I never realized how important all of those worksheets were in Reading/English class.
I never realized I would judge someone of their failure to use the education they received in elementary/middle school (scan-da-lous).....

If I text you a question, all I need is the answer to that question.
I don't need to know anything about your life, your hopes&dreams or the weather of Mexico.

And if you don't understand the question, ask me to repeat it, further explain.
And if you don't want to answer, say that.

ugh....

And the worse is when you text someone something, and they get an attitude for no damn reason. Then you have to sound the words out for them and then they come with the apology. Read, read it twice if you have to.

I guess that's why I usually end everything with a :) or a lol. Add those 2 things, seems people read messages in their correct tone/context.

Next person who fails at life thru text messages, I'm giving them a workbook from the Teacher's Supply store.

Yes that's rude as hell...and I'm not perfect....but it must be done. LOL

that awkward moment....

you realize you care for someone more than you "thought" you did.....surprising.

I would like to quote New Edition, "if it isn't love, why do I feel this way?"

and then you have to check  yourself because you don't know if the person feels the same way.

AWKWARD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You show up to a bar, looking for the specials they advertise....
Then the bartender advises you there are no specials....

AWKWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

that moment you realize you're the ugly/fat/outsider/tacky/broke friend.

AWKWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

someone confuses you for someone they despise.

AWKWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who knew I would cry watching a reailty show....

So, I just finished watching Sundays episode of Kim&Kourt Take NY. Kim reached out to John Edwards, a world renowned medium, to connect with her father. His message to her, her reaction really hit home for me. I realized I would like to have an opportunity to talk to my father again. So much is going on in my life that I think his advice would be of much comfort. But talking to a medium is a big step and a little scary. You never know, the person could be a fraud or very manipulative.

February is also coming soon and is always a hard time for me (the month my father died). You would think this many years later it would be easier but its not. Certain evens, feelings, memories trigger that pain that has never left my heart. At least my home girl is coming into town and my best friend is having a big bday bash for me to look forward to.

Getting older, my mom's illness, I realize a different thing I'm missing by not having him. I am blessed to have a great god father that provides great advice and support, but....its not the same.

On a good note I was told for the first time that I act like my father. That was so crazy to hear considering the fact he died when I was in the 5th grade and I'm 27 now. I felt so proud, I felt like something about me was right :)! Reassured me that he is with me, looking over me!

So I would like to end by saying, as much we judge these reality stars, they are people like the rest of us. Makeup, producers, money, whatever it doesn't matter. The reason we watch is because we can relate, we can live in someone else shoes for a moment or judge to make ourselves feel better. I'm grateful Kim shared that moment, needed that. You might not understand, but I do.....

I feel the need to say....

History came in town today. A part of me got excited, while the rest of me was like "oh yea, a glimpse of what could of been." So, yea, I stayed at home. It would have been nice to reunite, party together, have din din, but in the end it would be a tease. No more teases without a guarantee.

Going to the Texans v Raiders game tomorrow, EXCITED. I love football, but I really love to go to games. The energy, the food, the entertainment....the food. And we have good seats so we're by the really good food spots.

stuck on this J Cole CD....goodness in  19 tracks :). I have listened to every track and I can say I only dislike one, Mr. Nice Watch. His tone is weird to me plus Jay Z tries to come in and save it....and it could have just been left alone.

PEANUT BUTTER FUDGE BITES FROM WALMART SAVES LIVES.

New obsessed customer of Revlon Color Burst Lip Gloss. I swear every time I wear Hot Pink something nice happens or I get compliments. Either way, I'm hooked. Plus the packaging is nice and its only like 7 dollars.

Finally finished the sequel to Midnight. Sister Souljah just loves to drag simple things out. But good read if you have the time and patience.

I am  now also obsessed with the author Teri Woods and her tales of the hood/hustler/dealing/distributor life.

Yea........dude I've been up and arms about, texted and tweeted today. Not sure if that's a good thing, or a by chance thing. Not sure what else to say about that.....except a real ass conversation needs to happen. I mean, grey areas are not the business whatsoever. Yea, you can say I hope for the best and by best I mean best for me lol

Man......today was a great day with my mom. She was in a great mood. I love it when its like we're partners in crime. We got back to the house and homegirl was pooped out. Hopefully tomorrow she has a great day as well. Love her to pieces!

Hola new readers :).

Duped

I got duped by someone I care about recently. Getting duped messes with your ego, your thoughts, hell even my appetite (had some freaky cravings).

Maybe I shouldn't have cared to the limit that I did, maybe I should have been more sharing with my true feelings...either way....

I learned something :)

I know now I need to be more present in situations. I need to not be afraid to be honest with my feelings. Sacrifice a little pride. Trust.

Sometimes I wish I could just read it in a manual, or have a little post it note left on my mirror. The tears, the confusion, the silence could have been avoided, well I would have preferred it.

Suffer thru the experiences to gain valuable lessons?? Completely worth it.

If I could tell him the truth without looking desperate and pathetic I would. I tried putting my words together and my friends were like....you know what makes you look like...tear smh...erase*erase*erase* lol

I'm not gonna waste my time and energy bashing him, blaming him. That does nothing but take time away from me making the necessary changes in myself. All I can say is I appreciated Bootsy's presence in my life and it will be missed. It is what it is.

No regrets, just more memories.

But go ahead to Walmart and buy some Peanut Butter Fundge No Bakes!!!!!!!!

I have a best guy friend, I have a best guy friend who is single (well now that's up for debate, keep reading). Never once has there been a mention of a girl, girlfriend, side piece, wifey, hoe, jumpoff, cookie, nookie, boo, baby, baby mamma, "homegirl", "play sis"....nada.

While waiting to go home, a young extremely drunk woman came up to me and said, "arrren't yyouuu Veronica, Veronica Storm?" Me: "Ummmmmm, kind of?"

Immediately I'm on guard because #1 Who is this person? #2 Why are calling me by my twitter name? #3 Is this a situation? #4 So sloppy drunk??

Her response to me was, "I'm _______ girlfriend."

****PAUSE*****

Who does that in real life? Who in their "right" mind would introduce themselves to a complete stranger and not even give their name, just their self appointed title....smh

Of course I was deeply confused and could only muster up a "wwwwwhhhhhhhaaaattt???!!!" and she hit me with her self appointed title again.

I'm assuming she views me as a threat, or thinks our friendship is more than just friends, but.....inappropriate.

If you have to introduce yourself to your "boyfriends(girlfriends)" friends/family, he's(she's) not your boyfriend(girlfriend). If you feel threatened by a relationship of his(hers) and he(she) hasn't given you reassurance, he's(she's) not your boyfriend(girlfriend).

I need people to truly understand, define and seek what a true relationship is. I need people to do their homework/research before they go around assuming shit and starting trouble.

That situation could have turned into a horrible situation because 2 people lack any sort of communication.

Trust and believe, my homie and I are going to have a good wholesome put the shit on the table type conversation because I don't need that shit in my life.

Someone needs to be checked, either her, him or both. What if I had reacted angrily or she had tried to come for me.

Making me reconsider twitter.....smh

1977

Now I am not a huge Dream fan but his latest mix tape is "MUSIC." I have listened to it over and over again. My fave track so far is "Wake Me When Its Over."

The name of the mix tape is called 1977.

The link is: http://www.radiokillarecords.com/

I suggest you download it.

Even if you are not a Dream fan, just give it a try. Or listen to the lyrics.

I can hear his effort, his passion, his skill on this mix tape. Honestly gained respect for him as an artist.

But I wish albums measured up to mix tapes...

Mom...the good times

Sometimes I only tweet, update my status when times are rough with my mom. But that's because I know my friends, followers, strangers, whomever will send me some much needed love.

Well today I had a great early dinner with my mom. It was nice sharing a meal and I began to think of all the nice dinners, nice moments we do have. And how I need to focus on those to remember her by, not the negative effects of the disease.

It also made me appreciate her more for who she is. I wish before this all went down, we would have had more moments as these. I wish I had been more aggressive in improving our relationship. I wish we could have been closer, because I'm seeing traits of my mom I never got to see....

I don't' think I got to see them because my mom was very uptight and bougie. I never really got to hear her make jokes, and let loose because as she said it was either out of place, uncouth, inappropriate.

Now I get to see my mom is funny, insightful, spunky, appreciative, sensitive and at times freaky (quite creepy to hear her comments but funny as hell).

I used to think we didn't have anything in common, now I see we do.

Blessed :) Awesome Feelings Here :)

Some ingredients don't mix....

Not sure exactly why but I've never been apart of a one clique/group only. I have all types of friends. Some know each other, some don't. And it doesn't always work when they are joined.

Recently I hung out with 2 friends and man I don't think I want to hang out with them combined again. It was like they both gained a new attitude, like the air that they breathed was of higher quality.

Thank goodness I am able to adapt or adjust, otherwise my feelings would have been hurt or maybe theirs would have been, who knows....all I know is, I wasn't cool enough for the frequent whispers,eye glances, what have you.

I felt like I was at a sleepover where everyone who RSVP didn't show up except me and the 2 intended mean girls lol.

I realized then how some ingredients don't mix, and friendship wise I can't deal with their combined dish. I appreciate them as individuals, feel no ill feelings towards them, but as a combo I could say or do something that potentially end 2 friendships from their one. I REALLY HOPE Y'ALL GOT THAT LAST SENTENCE.

Interesting how that can happen.....

Friends....get some,real ones!

Last night I was reminded how blessed I've been in the friendship department...

A friend of friend was celebrating her birthday last night. My friends and I joined along. Thank God we did, because we were able to save her....literally

I understand when I was their age I wanted to have a great time, live life, but I never did at the expense of a friend (especially if it was their bday and they were drunk off their ass).

Glad we were able to step in and make sure she still had a great time while keeping her safe.

Think I'm overexaggerating?

At one point we went to them to tell them we had lost track of her and needed their help to locate her...their response "ummm, idk, who cares. we've been over here so {{shrugs}}" and they continued to drink.

ummm really?

And at the end of the night lied to us saying that they would look out for her, they checked on ehr...she was in the backseat with us...smh

Experiencing her "groupie ass friends" reminded me how blessed I am today, and how blessed I've been my whole life with friends. Loyalty, honesty, commitment, trust has been a common thread throughout all of my friends today or from the past.

At some point we all have to figure out our own definition of friendship and what kind of friends we want/need and what kind of friend we will be.

At some point we discover there are different levels/kinds of frienship and have to act accordingly to that individual.

I hope bday girl hears us

A Single Creepy Story...

couple of nights ago a friend of mine asked me to go with her to her friend's birthday party. Of course I said yes because I needed to be distracted from sitting in the house, thinking about this and that (check 2 blogs ago).

We arrive and are introduced to this decent looking Australian men. Now usually I'm attracted to every Australian man I meet, but this one had more of a body of 17 year old British guy. Not my type. I like a man to have dark skin whatever race/ethnicity he may be.

He was very flirtatious, which was nice, and didn't mind throwing a compliment or two my way (much needed/much appreciated).

It was when he went to get a glass that he rubbed up against my butt. I'm assuming it was his first big real bootie experience. He turned around and was like, "omg, your bum its so.....omg its real too....its soft and wow"

Of course my friend and I are dying laughing at this point. But I'm also thinking in my head, "hmmm, he can appreciate my pear shape....think about it, consider"

Then he just had to ruin my moment.

Creep factor went up 10k points when he decided to do a double grab on my friend and I....she had on short shorts, I had on a skirt. INAPPROPRIATE. THIS IS NOT A BUFFET OF ASSES.

The rest of the evening consisted of me sitting down every time he came near, not listening to his compliments and trying not to be like "FUCK OFF."

As we made our exit, who do you know follows us in the parking lot, Creepy Australian guy does. And then once again tells me about my "bum." And once again goes too far and grabs me saying, "did you drive." As if I would say "YES DADDY" and follow him to whatever destination he had planned.

Being single I try to keep my mind/eyes open to different possibilities...but that was not an option for me...but I will refer to my ASS now as a BUM....

Things you should try if you haven't....

listen to "She Will" by Lil Wayne, Drake and Rick Ross while looking in the mirror getting dressed/undressed. Something about that beat makes feel all devilish and sexy....

CenterCourt Pizza. Only locations are in Pearland and Missouri City but...its so good!

Fist Pumping all night, equivalent to doing a 6 sets of arm curls in the gym.

Saying "Gyming" instead of "working out." Folks look at me crazy but I'm over saying working out.

Having a dance session in the middle of the street downtown, but sober.

quality reality tv: The A List: New York season 1&2. Just go to logotv.com

hawaiian sandwich bread, makes my plain turkey sandwiches so much more enjoyable

grocery shopping night. they restock the shelves, bakes goods get slashed to like a dollar and its quiet.

Twitter.

Getting rid of negative people. Breath of fresh air and a weight lifted.