Sometimes its easier to say how I'm feeling, really feeling here.
And then sometimes I blog, but don't publish the blog because some thoughts don't need reactions/opinions.

Today was horrible. Finally broke down and told my friends how I feel, how I've been feeling (overwhelmed,sad). I feel comfort in knowing my friends have my back but not really better.

I wear a smile well. I've made an art of deflecting attention away so you don't notice what's going on.

My moms doctors apt didn't go well today. She was just off, her mind was all over the place and the doctor ordered an mri. smh.

February just sucks because I think of my dad. But this year I'm thinking of him more. Not sure if its because of the life decisions I'm having to make for myself and my mom, or just regular grief.

Don't get it twisted, I'm blessed. And there are many happy, fulfilling moments in my life. Not all my smiles and jokes are fake. Made a couple of new friends even.

I just have to ask for help. I have to stop being so stubborn (main trait of a taurus lol). And holding feelings inside is a habit I've picked back up smh. Like a volcano, I know better.

I'm just a work in progess. I'm growing up. I feel like I'm becoming a strong, more aware adult.

Life isn't perfect, but I'm glad for the one I have :)

Dilemma

Doesn't matter how big of a wall you build up, some people can scale it with no problem.

But what do you do when your heart wants someone but your mind knows the reality of the situation?

I genuinely miss the days of high school, where if someone liked you, they passed you a note. No confusion in "check yes or no."

Last night was another reminder of how invested I'm in. Also that I'm single, he's single.

I've protected my heart, my life as much as I could. Now I'm stuck in situation that doesn't depend on my decisions, depends on someone else's decisions/opinions/actions.

Vulnerability is a hard pill to swallow.

Looking for a book or the right advice to help me out. Nothing.

I don't want anyone else. I want the opportunity to try.

It could be love. It could be curiosity. It could be appreciation.

I hate not knowing (minor control issues lol)

I found a friend in him.

Reading Comprehension...can end a relationship

I never realized how important all of those worksheets were in Reading/English class.
I never realized I would judge someone of their failure to use the education they received in elementary/middle school (scan-da-lous).....

If I text you a question, all I need is the answer to that question.
I don't need to know anything about your life, your hopes&dreams or the weather of Mexico.

And if you don't understand the question, ask me to repeat it, further explain.
And if you don't want to answer, say that.

ugh....

And the worse is when you text someone something, and they get an attitude for no damn reason. Then you have to sound the words out for them and then they come with the apology. Read, read it twice if you have to.

I guess that's why I usually end everything with a :) or a lol. Add those 2 things, seems people read messages in their correct tone/context.

Next person who fails at life thru text messages, I'm giving them a workbook from the Teacher's Supply store.

Yes that's rude as hell...and I'm not perfect....but it must be done. LOL

that awkward moment....

you realize you care for someone more than you "thought" you did.....surprising.

I would like to quote New Edition, "if it isn't love, why do I feel this way?"

and then you have to check  yourself because you don't know if the person feels the same way.

AWKWARD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You show up to a bar, looking for the specials they advertise....
Then the bartender advises you there are no specials....

AWKWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

that moment you realize you're the ugly/fat/outsider/tacky/broke friend.

AWKWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

someone confuses you for someone they despise.

AWKWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who knew I would cry watching a reailty show....

So, I just finished watching Sundays episode of Kim&Kourt Take NY. Kim reached out to John Edwards, a world renowned medium, to connect with her father. His message to her, her reaction really hit home for me. I realized I would like to have an opportunity to talk to my father again. So much is going on in my life that I think his advice would be of much comfort. But talking to a medium is a big step and a little scary. You never know, the person could be a fraud or very manipulative.

February is also coming soon and is always a hard time for me (the month my father died). You would think this many years later it would be easier but its not. Certain evens, feelings, memories trigger that pain that has never left my heart. At least my home girl is coming into town and my best friend is having a big bday bash for me to look forward to.

Getting older, my mom's illness, I realize a different thing I'm missing by not having him. I am blessed to have a great god father that provides great advice and support, but....its not the same.

On a good note I was told for the first time that I act like my father. That was so crazy to hear considering the fact he died when I was in the 5th grade and I'm 27 now. I felt so proud, I felt like something about me was right :)! Reassured me that he is with me, looking over me!

So I would like to end by saying, as much we judge these reality stars, they are people like the rest of us. Makeup, producers, money, whatever it doesn't matter. The reason we watch is because we can relate, we can live in someone else shoes for a moment or judge to make ourselves feel better. I'm grateful Kim shared that moment, needed that. You might not understand, but I do.....

I feel the need to say....

History came in town today. A part of me got excited, while the rest of me was like "oh yea, a glimpse of what could of been." So, yea, I stayed at home. It would have been nice to reunite, party together, have din din, but in the end it would be a tease. No more teases without a guarantee.

Going to the Texans v Raiders game tomorrow, EXCITED. I love football, but I really love to go to games. The energy, the food, the entertainment....the food. And we have good seats so we're by the really good food spots.

stuck on this J Cole CD....goodness in  19 tracks :). I have listened to every track and I can say I only dislike one, Mr. Nice Watch. His tone is weird to me plus Jay Z tries to come in and save it....and it could have just been left alone.

PEANUT BUTTER FUDGE BITES FROM WALMART SAVES LIVES.

New obsessed customer of Revlon Color Burst Lip Gloss. I swear every time I wear Hot Pink something nice happens or I get compliments. Either way, I'm hooked. Plus the packaging is nice and its only like 7 dollars.

Finally finished the sequel to Midnight. Sister Souljah just loves to drag simple things out. But good read if you have the time and patience.

I am  now also obsessed with the author Teri Woods and her tales of the hood/hustler/dealing/distributor life.

Yea........dude I've been up and arms about, texted and tweeted today. Not sure if that's a good thing, or a by chance thing. Not sure what else to say about that.....except a real ass conversation needs to happen. I mean, grey areas are not the business whatsoever. Yea, you can say I hope for the best and by best I mean best for me lol

Man......today was a great day with my mom. She was in a great mood. I love it when its like we're partners in crime. We got back to the house and homegirl was pooped out. Hopefully tomorrow she has a great day as well. Love her to pieces!

Hola new readers :).

Duped

I got duped by someone I care about recently. Getting duped messes with your ego, your thoughts, hell even my appetite (had some freaky cravings).

Maybe I shouldn't have cared to the limit that I did, maybe I should have been more sharing with my true feelings...either way....

I learned something :)

I know now I need to be more present in situations. I need to not be afraid to be honest with my feelings. Sacrifice a little pride. Trust.

Sometimes I wish I could just read it in a manual, or have a little post it note left on my mirror. The tears, the confusion, the silence could have been avoided, well I would have preferred it.

Suffer thru the experiences to gain valuable lessons?? Completely worth it.

If I could tell him the truth without looking desperate and pathetic I would. I tried putting my words together and my friends were like....you know what makes you look like...tear smh...erase*erase*erase* lol

I'm not gonna waste my time and energy bashing him, blaming him. That does nothing but take time away from me making the necessary changes in myself. All I can say is I appreciated Bootsy's presence in my life and it will be missed. It is what it is.

No regrets, just more memories.

But go ahead to Walmart and buy some Peanut Butter Fundge No Bakes!!!!!!!!