wow....

I tried a new support group today (for Alzheimers). It was held at an actual assisted living facility. I was optimistic walking in, during the session I held it together, but as I toured the place......my emotions began to spin out of control. Somehow I managed not to let it out until I got home. It was horrible, still feels horrible.

Regardless of how nice a place is, or how friendly the people are, I still have to make the decision to put my mom somewhere. How can I do that? She deserves to be in her house, living her life. Not on a schedule, not confined.

What will I do with my life without her?

I'm going to have to make some major decisions this year, but I'm not ready to make them. But there is no one else that can. My family could care less and wouldn't even notice.

I feel alone. I have great friends, I have a great support system, but I can't tell them how I REALLY feel.

And if I couldn't get any weaker, I have a spiffy with my person of interest (as I call him). Couple of years ago, I wouldve been able to let it roll of my back or move on. Yesterday and today I just feel real bad about it. I don't even feel comfortable enough to let him know how much I care for him. Its sad....

Does that make me weak, pathethic? I would like a chance to date, maybe fall in love. But am I ready for what comes along with that? Doubt, idk, no.....

Writing here because my thoughts and feelings are safe here. No judgements or worries. No having to explain myself, prove myself.

People really don't want to "hear"me. And I can't put that on someone.

I hope I find some answers soon or they find me.