Mom...the good times

Sometimes I only tweet, update my status when times are rough with my mom. But that's because I know my friends, followers, strangers, whomever will send me some much needed love.

Well today I had a great early dinner with my mom. It was nice sharing a meal and I began to think of all the nice dinners, nice moments we do have. And how I need to focus on those to remember her by, not the negative effects of the disease.

It also made me appreciate her more for who she is. I wish before this all went down, we would have had more moments as these. I wish I had been more aggressive in improving our relationship. I wish we could have been closer, because I'm seeing traits of my mom I never got to see....

I don't' think I got to see them because my mom was very uptight and bougie. I never really got to hear her make jokes, and let loose because as she said it was either out of place, uncouth, inappropriate.

Now I get to see my mom is funny, insightful, spunky, appreciative, sensitive and at times freaky (quite creepy to hear her comments but funny as hell).

I used to think we didn't have anything in common, now I see we do.

Blessed :) Awesome Feelings Here :)

Back Again

That moment you remember you have a blog and haven't blogged since January because you visited another blog that just totally irked your mind....yea....

Seriously though, twitter took my need to blog. Instead of composing my thoughts into some clever sentencing, I can just tweet the thought right then and there.....added bonus is I get immediate feedback.

@veronicastorm (yep I plugged the name)

Updates

Mommy

My mother is still physically healthy but battling a never ending mind battle of Alzheimer's. Its getting more and more frustrating to accept the fact she's not going to get better. That one day it will be hard for her to call my name, associate me as her daughter....etc. But we've been spending a lot more time together which has helped me to appreciate her even more. I wish we could have done this years ago but it wasn't meant to be. Everyday I try to make sure we do an activity but its hard when she's not in the mood or fearful of her surroundings. But I do my best to keep her happy. I love her, but I wish I could do more. She did so much for me, not just being my mom, but my dad as well. All I can is my best in this situation and make the best decisions for her. I'm all she has, she's all I have :)

Dating. Men. The Struggle.

I've come to learn that being single is a growth experience but at the same time a challenging experience. One minute I think I have the answer the next minute I'm back to square one. I am single but my attention concentrates on one man in particular. That attention came naturally, unintentionally. Hard to decide how to navigate in that situation because of all the humps and hurdles. Keeping and open eye and mind as best as I can. But with the situation with my mom, I see the importance of companionship. Even if it doesn't go thru to the altar, people should take more chances in finding someone. Shouldn't wait till you get "successful" or wait for the "one." I'm willing to take chances, make mistakes, create memories. Hopefully someone is willing to do the same :)

Family (blood/non blood)

Trying. Pressuring. Judgemental. Disappointing. Conditional Love.

Me. Extra Info.

Been doing a lot of reading lately. Its my fav hobby and relaxes me. I don't have to worry about reality and like I always say, it's the cheapest vacation out there. I've also been trying to write, get my thoughts out of my head and hopefully compose into a book. I would love to write about my experience with my mom&Alzheimer's as well as realistic fictional stories that young woman can identify with.

Another tid bit, started to exercise. About to subscribe to Women's Health Magazine and join a gym. I need to turn my physical health around, get my metabolism back to moving. I don't want to be in my thirties looking at old pictures depressed or in the doctors office praying for good news.

Well I miss sharing my thoughts with friends and strangers. So blogging has to return to my daily routine, suffer with me :)

wow....

I tried a new support group today (for Alzheimers). It was held at an actual assisted living facility. I was optimistic walking in, during the session I held it together, but as I toured the place......my emotions began to spin out of control. Somehow I managed not to let it out until I got home. It was horrible, still feels horrible.

Regardless of how nice a place is, or how friendly the people are, I still have to make the decision to put my mom somewhere. How can I do that? She deserves to be in her house, living her life. Not on a schedule, not confined.

What will I do with my life without her?

I'm going to have to make some major decisions this year, but I'm not ready to make them. But there is no one else that can. My family could care less and wouldn't even notice.

I feel alone. I have great friends, I have a great support system, but I can't tell them how I REALLY feel.

And if I couldn't get any weaker, I have a spiffy with my person of interest (as I call him). Couple of years ago, I wouldve been able to let it roll of my back or move on. Yesterday and today I just feel real bad about it. I don't even feel comfortable enough to let him know how much I care for him. Its sad....

Does that make me weak, pathethic? I would like a chance to date, maybe fall in love. But am I ready for what comes along with that? Doubt, idk, no.....

Writing here because my thoughts and feelings are safe here. No judgements or worries. No having to explain myself, prove myself.

People really don't want to "hear"me. And I can't put that on someone.

I hope I find some answers soon or they find me.

Thanks Lil Kim....

Who would of thought that Lil Kim would be my savior today??? seriously though

....everyone on Twitter today is discussing the beef between Lil Kim and Nicki Minaj (#TeamLilKim by the way). So it motivated me to go back and listen to Kim's songs. Umm...hands down Kim wins. But it gave me a little "thug miss" attitude. Yes, in my bedroom, just saying "ugh" and grabbing my "balls." I don't have balls, but if I did man.

in-tee-waze (yep, say it out loud)

....A sound like "BOOM BOOM CRACK BOOM YA BOOM" all on my door. Like if the police were trying to kick in or a scorned baby mamma. Just my mother. Guess knocking and saying "open the door" wasn't enough. Of course from experience I know not to open the door. But wait till she has moved away just in case she's feeling physical (and not in a 80s pop song kind of way Olivia Newton John).

She goes ape shit. Says a whole bunch of things, breaks some stuff....yea, ape shit!

Used to it now. She has alzheimers. Sometimes they don't know how to vocalize how they feel. COuld be pent up tension/frustration from weeks. Could be she just got pissed she couldn't literally see me. Could be she heard me laugh and she's not laughing. Could be she remembered something that I did that actually she had every right to be pissed off. WHO KNOWS!

But.....THANKS TO LIL KIM....I was in thug mode. Didn't phaze one bit. Why? I had "No Time" a great song by her by the way.

oh.....last thing.....Black Friday, Lil Kim's response to Nicki Minaj was on point. No it doesn't have a in yo face beat, and no she is not speaking in different accents to get your attention. she's simply claiming her throne.