Things you should try if you haven't....

listen to "She Will" by Lil Wayne, Drake and Rick Ross while looking in the mirror getting dressed/undressed. Something about that beat makes feel all devilish and sexy....

CenterCourt Pizza. Only locations are in Pearland and Missouri City but...its so good!

Fist Pumping all night, equivalent to doing a 6 sets of arm curls in the gym.

Saying "Gyming" instead of "working out." Folks look at me crazy but I'm over saying working out.

Having a dance session in the middle of the street downtown, but sober.

quality reality tv: The A List: New York season 1&2. Just go to logotv.com

hawaiian sandwich bread, makes my plain turkey sandwiches so much more enjoyable

grocery shopping night. they restock the shelves, bakes goods get slashed to like a dollar and its quiet.

Twitter.

Getting rid of negative people. Breath of fresh air and a weight lifted.

wow....

I tried a new support group today (for Alzheimers). It was held at an actual assisted living facility. I was optimistic walking in, during the session I held it together, but as I toured the place......my emotions began to spin out of control. Somehow I managed not to let it out until I got home. It was horrible, still feels horrible.

Regardless of how nice a place is, or how friendly the people are, I still have to make the decision to put my mom somewhere. How can I do that? She deserves to be in her house, living her life. Not on a schedule, not confined.

What will I do with my life without her?

I'm going to have to make some major decisions this year, but I'm not ready to make them. But there is no one else that can. My family could care less and wouldn't even notice.

I feel alone. I have great friends, I have a great support system, but I can't tell them how I REALLY feel.

And if I couldn't get any weaker, I have a spiffy with my person of interest (as I call him). Couple of years ago, I wouldve been able to let it roll of my back or move on. Yesterday and today I just feel real bad about it. I don't even feel comfortable enough to let him know how much I care for him. Its sad....

Does that make me weak, pathethic? I would like a chance to date, maybe fall in love. But am I ready for what comes along with that? Doubt, idk, no.....

Writing here because my thoughts and feelings are safe here. No judgements or worries. No having to explain myself, prove myself.

People really don't want to "hear"me. And I can't put that on someone.

I hope I find some answers soon or they find me.

Tried being nice...

So I've learned the past couple of weeks that when I am nice, friendly to the opposite sex, it doesn't quite work in my favor.

Oh but when I'm rude, cocky, would you believe men come raining just making themselves to available, too aggressive, too needy....get it?

So what is a girl to do?

Can't really ask my elders, they didn't really have to deal with so much bitchass, flip floppy behavior?

Can't ask chicks younger because their idea of a good man is Soulja Boy....

Would ask my friends, but hell we all confused just trying to get thru a date without committing suicide...smh....crucial.... uh yea

FOR EXAMPLE

A man texted me to go out. Texted me late and had no set plans.

Nope Nope. Staying in my house.

I responded with "ugh no"

This set him off in a few comparisons of American women to "worldly women"

But he was born and raised in Houston.....side eye

His claim to judge was because he worked a couple of years overseas.

Of course I tried to be nice.

He wasn't so much.

NIGGA HAD NERVE TO NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL!!

But did I expose his extreme inability to spell a word, no.

Let it go.

He "let it go".

Saw him yesterday.

He apologized and asked for another chance.

SIDE EYE

So......

I think I will just stick to myself, close my eyes and hope for the best lol

Short&Sweet

Yesterday I got a text that sent me into a quick crash mode. Crash mode is like that ugly slave cry and the inability to speak English. Yes, it was quite a scene. But that happens when a friend of yours decides out the blue they no longer want you in their life. Yep. Short and not sweet.

I even replied, you think I got a reply back? nope.

I get everyone has the right to make their own decisions about the friendships they want to keep or let go. But you shouldn't have to crush someone's feelings in the process. I was ignored for more than a week. It wasn't till I said I was driving over there till I got the short and sweet text.

I forgot to include that my friend said they would always be there for me. Really? Like you are here for me now. I don't know. All I know is you would think that after years of friendship I deserved a phone call, a meeting, or a text when the decision had been made.

So, I guess they can sit in their apartment comfortable with their decision. As I will have to do the same. I just hope I don't have to face a retraction. I'm not a fucking yo yo and won't be yanked around.

Thanks for the real moments and the acts.

Opinions As of Right Now

1. I'm not liking how the Houston social climate is changing.
2. I got dissed by a guy because I wasn't popular enough. So popular girls are awesome in his book.
3. My dog and I have better conversations than half of the men I meet. Did I mention my dog only barks and barely does that.
4. I am sick of Tiger Woods being raped in the media. He cheated on his wife. Who hasn't done that?
5. Man I own fake purses now. I feel better purchasing it. I feel like I am getting the man. It's funny how people treat me differently, like with status. Really funny when women inspect the bag, they determine it's real, then strike a conversation with me. Entertainment.
6. I don't want to meet another man. Seriously. I got my feelings hurt. Time for self love. And not in the sexual way for you dirty minds. I can't stand the getting to know you phase. Sick of telling my information, the uncomfortable dates, determing their ringtone..........
7. JAY LENO SUCKS!!!!!!!
8. I love Jimmy Fallon. His show is truly funny and creative. And the house band is The Roots. I actually laugh out loud not lol.
9. Why the fuck do I say lol all the time when I twit?
10. I refuse to participate in the All Star Activities. Hopefully I will be in New Orleans losing my mind, or here in Houston losing my mind...all I know is I need to lose my mind. All the folks will be out in Dallas.
11. If the Pants on the Ground man can get a record deal and a performance on the Grammys what the hell am I doing wrong?

GOODNIGHT

CELEBRITIES I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH

FRANKIE: You are almost so foolish you might need to get back on crack.

KANDIE: If you can't label your mate with one profession, and have the nerve to say he owns several businesses, at some point he was doing something worthy of getting arrested for. If he owns several business why not call him a Business Owner, a CEO, a President, etc....

DIDDY: why is it in your heart to sing so bad?? And how dare you be so hard on your artists and then turn around and lace your voice with autotune.

RHIANNA: being so hush mouthed during this whole drama scenario. You know you have pushed that boys buttons countless times. I'm not seeing cry out for a not guilty verdict, but damn did you have to leave him out to dry while you gave out illegal tattoos. You have yet to explain that herpes that just was in love with your lip.

JACKSON FAMILY: I hope the rumors are untrue about your upcoming reality show. Why must you pressure us to like you, to accept you. Mike was our heart, deal with it, oh and Janet.

LATOYA JACKSON: I also hope the rumors are untrue about you being on The View. Sit down somewhere!!!

LAUREN LONDON: I can't believe you are pregnant. I am just hurt, like I know you or something. And if that baby is Lil Waynes, I guess you see something in the alien looking burnt up roach that none of us see. You have halted your career so early, knowing the roles for you are limited. How can you really play a teenager now? Oh and the shame of it all if Nivea's baby is his too? But whatever, the baby will be a blessing so that is all. Ohh Lauren

NIA LONG: what do I have to do to get you on the acting scene again? You say the roles are limited, but damn boo!! Do I need to start a twitter page?

Folks if you have some more, please contribute...

I Can't Stand Parents Who....

....allow their young girls to wear lace fronts!!! And by young, anyone below the age of 18 attending high school and on down. Lace fronts are supposed to be worn in performance, maybe for someone who has lost all their hair or hairline, in movies where they don't have time to re-dye hair. Not so your baby can look like she is missing half of her forehead. If you don't believe head to your area middle school, I guarante one per school. Got to your area high school I guarantee at least 5 or more. And if you go to any buisness where they hire teenagers: movie theaters, Forever 21 you will see many.

.....allowing their child to use the term "African booty scratcher." Yes a 4th grader said it today, he's African American, to two white girls...really? So then I have to explain or dodge the questions to the little white girl. I mean seriously??

....think it's cute that your baby can't pronounce any words, and saying they have a weird accent.

....let their young boys wear skinny jeans. I mean can they finish growing first?

....support their children attempting innappropiate relationships. Example, the high school boy that lives accross the street from where I take care of children. I think his mom might encourage the flirting. Ill, guess they are itching for me to go to jail?

....who let their elementary children have a facebook, myspace and or twitter page. What the hell for?

I AM NOT HAVING CHILDREN!!!

Confusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. I don't get people who go on dates to the club. The whole time worrying about who is staring at their significant other, doing to much to let folks know they are together, boo up and take needed space at the bar....I don't get it. Have fun, let loose.

2. People who ask you to do favors for them, give them advice, give them ideas and suggestions....to all of a suden treat you a hot shitty mess.

3. "You can be my sweet dream, or a beautiful nightmare" the words in Beyonce's new song Sweet Dreams...I guess I'm slow because none of my nightmares have been beautiful or enjoyable.

4. How I still have a crush on this dude from high school...I blame his smile and humor

5. THE HEAT IN HOUSTON...WHY IS IT SO HOT???? WE ARE NOT THAT CLOSE TO THE EQUATOR.

6. Boys II Men is now 3. I mean someone told me the one with the deep voice has back problems, but can he lay down and do his part? It's harsh, and wrong for me to say, but I always loved his pimp walk and random outburts of poetry.

7. How come my mobile blogging is still not working.

8. Why do guys think its cool to say, "where yo man at?i know he'll be pissed if he sees me talking to you?i know you not alone? your man let you out the house? you to fine/sexy/cute/funny/nice to be single,whats wrong??.........confuses me!!!!!

9. Who got all the money when people had to go buy these digital conversion boxes?? or whatever the new cable is called...

10. THE POINT OF TWITTER IF EVERYONE JUST CONNECTS IT TO THEIR FACEBOOK

11. How facebook hasn't added a music option...

12. How come the use of the word "bitchassness" faded so quickly...

13. What does my dog dream about??? He sometimes make noises, barks, moves around, and a couple of times has woken himself up.

14. Alzheimers

15. Why is it so hard to direct my thoughts to formulate this book I want to write.

loves all, live well

Soo...mobile blogging

I am going to start mobile blogging. I think it's healthy I do such lol.

First off.......dating is clearly only for entertainment this year. I should not expect anything to come out of any prospects expect good stories to tell, laughter and blog material. But I will say it does ease up the tension that I deal with on a daily basis with my mom......

......and my mom for some reason has eased up the meaness. Don't know what that is about. Alzheimer's is a crazy disease. To see how it can transform someone into someone else is just mind blowing. Just the fact my mom curses trips me out everytime. Especially when she drops the f bomb........

........I have discoverd my passion for cursing is getting out of control........

..............speaking on things getting out of control, like how much I use my phone now. I got a new one, it's called the Eternity. I am forever on the internet, texting, playing games, looking at new applications, looking for music, chatting on aim and messenger (which I have not done in years), mobile banking, now blogging. ANd it gets on MY LAST NERVES WHEN I AM USING MY PHONE AND SOME RANDOM (A MALE) HAS TO EITHER LOOK AT MY PHONE, ASK WHAT KIND OF PHONE IT IS, WHY AM I ON MY PHONE SO MUCH, CAN I GET OFF MY PHONE I AM DISTRACTING THEM, IS THEIR NUMBER IN MY PHONE, CAN THEIR NUMBER BE ENTERED IN MY PHONE, CAN THEY USE MY PHONE, CAN THEY PLAY WITH THE PHONE...........

yep, that's it for now. Oh and another thing....Goodbye, and have a great remainder (got that from someone, but forgot who)

ITs Been A Minute

I haven't been able to share my thoughts, because they just don't make sense to me. A big change has happened in my life. My mom was diagnosed with alzheimers. FInally things make sense, but then opens a door of unanswered questions.

I lost my dad when I was in the 5th grade, and now it's like I'm losing her, just slowly. I can't do anything right, I can't make it better, I just don't know what to do.

I can't imagine what goes thru her mind on a daily basis. How heavy her heart must feel.

I love my mom. I just can't lose her. And I am and I am losing myself slowly.

Today I am writing these words cuz I don't know who to call and tell them to. I don't have the courage to cry to someone, except to the people at the alzheimers support group.

Preventing the word flow....

I went to a Sonic in Katy. They refused to inform me they no longer had Hamburger buns! So I got toasted bread with my Chicken Strip Sandwich. Tear my life. It wasn't the same. And they were stingy on the mayo. I didn't call corporate, but my feelings and taste buds were truly hurt.

My mom won't get help. She is truly going thru something, something is taking over, and she is almost content with it. It's frustrating as hell to live at home. So I have truly been exploring my options, and planning for some moves. I know I need to be there for her. I am an only child. But damn, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. It's like she has gotten used to taken everything out on me, making me her punch bag, battling the migraines, forgetting stuff......and on and on......I am truly tired. Shit I am having headaches. Like taking medicine on the regular. It's crazy, sad, and exhausting.

I love Jamie Foxx's new CD!!!!!!!!!!!!It's the bomb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be his digital girl!!!!

I want people to acknowledge the way they enter my life.

I have truly been trying to put my words onto paper. I really want to somehow put my randomness into a book. I think I can contribute something different in the writing world. But it's a hard process. Like just deciding the format. Will I follow the blogs or will I attempt to make a flowing story. I am going to email some authors and see if anyone is willing to release some advice.

ohhh my goodness, I am seeing a belly. Best believe I will be running!

I feel sorry for all of the regular people in D.C. for the next couple of weeks.

So the pastor's wife attempted to play hookup with myself and her son. Awkard!!!

I decided I want to marry a man that has already been married. He already has had his children. He just wants to succeed at his job/business. He wants to travel, discover the world. He wants to live out and discover his passions. He wants to teach me things, he wants to investigate life with me. I want him to be older and taller.

Will there ever be a change in Gaza? Like seriously....when will it get old that so many people are dying!!!

I CANNOT AND WILL NOT TAKE THIS BIGGIE MOVIE SERIOUS......and how the hell is Lil Kim going to get offended because she's portrayed as Biggie's jump off........know your role!

I am nervous as hell. Nervous about the upcoming CD Lil Wayne and T Payne are supposed to make. Oh my goodness I am avoiding radios, clubs, parties, bars.....AAAAAWWWWW....don't they care about our eardrums

Loves all, miss all

I have the right to call corporate/headquarters when....

I have the right to call corporate/headquarters when...........

• I pull up to McDonalds at 5:45am. I am in the mood for breakfast. The sign says 24hours, so I am confident that I will get something tasty. I look at the menu, and of course the menu hasn't been switched to breakfast, I am annoyed. 5 minutes go by, and no one acknowledges me. SO, Tia is with me, and says pull up, we hungry! We literally have to bang on the window to get somebody's attention. The person's attention we grab doesn't speak English, so she disappears behind the corner. 5 minutes later a sleepy manager comes to greet us. Tells us they are closed, they don't open to 6am, goodbye...tear my life. So you know I had at least 10 questions for her, and she closes the window on me. Really? I got you.
• Olive Garden for not trying to bring me my salad and breadsticks. I ordered my food, I ordered my drink, what more do you want? Do I need to pay before hand? Are yall that much in the hole yall don't trust me with the items you decided to offer me?
  
• When Wendy's continually forgets to give me croutons when I order a salad. I guess they think it is not a big deal, or she will drive away. Hell to the naw! The salad is not the same, the dressing is not the same. In my world, it's not a salad. So yes, I do drive around back to the window, and even have the balls to request an extra bag for my emotional stress.
• I guess KFC has a time requirement, because the one on 2234 in Missouri City....oooo weee....if you don't spit out you want a number 2 with a coke and mash potatoes as your side in 5 seconds or less. Chick will repeat herself, yell at you, over talk you, make you feel bad you ordering food to eat.
• Any pizza establishment claiming to run out of dough....it's the main ingredient!!! I find this to happen at Little Caesars. And I hate when they offer you a soda or some wings in replacement...but with no discount.
• Marble Slab by my house getting a C from the health inspector....how?????????
• When KFC doesn't have original recipe available...isn't that like yalls things! Only reason why I come here.....
• Olive Garden for pretending to forget the tasty chocolates when they bring me my crazy bill.
  
• When KFC doesn't have original recipe available...but you get original recipe in your box......I mean what is the training session teaching????
• The McDonalds by my house telling me there is no such thing as a McGrille when it appears on the advertisement in front of my face. Then has the nerve to catch an attitude, as if I would lie about a sandwich.
• chilli's restaurant for changing the Chicken Crisper recipe everytime I order it.
• Black Eyed Peas for changing the recipe for their rolls, what the hell for???
  

I have the RIGHT...

.....to be annoyed at the ridiculous amount of Christmas music being played on the radio, in grocery stores, at gas stations, speakers outside of the mall, in restaurants, and my teddy bear that randomly likes to sing Jingle Bells.

... to get on a schedule of Tylenol PM! Seriously I am having real sleep issues. My body and my mind think it's okay to sleep after 6am to about 12/1pm. Such illness. Yea I catch my court shows, but damn, I would rather dream about my court shows. Of course I don't want to get dependent, but these hours are not cool. Especially when it gets interrupted, and I am grumpy for hours on end. Plus the fact I am missing time to eat.

.....to be ashy.

.....to hate on the imitation leather leggings. I hate them with a passion. The only person I like them on is Christina Milian, oh and Rhianna and Keri Hilson. Pass that, they should not be sold. Should have a detailed and difficult application process! I had to walk down the street and keep looking at jigglin legs all around me. ILLNESS!! Where are the honest friends that say, " girl why don't you wear this, so much hotter!" But no, let them jiggle their way on down the road. And then they are so shiny, I have an issue with that. I don't know why. Maybe cuz it's worn with non shiny sweaters and non shiny shoes. But when do you decide the limit of shinyness.

.....to not own an Obama shirt. I refuse

.....to inform kids when they are innappropiate. Like if they bump into me and don't say excuse me, or looking at me even thou I am not playing the funny face game with them, you know making me uncomfortable. Yes, you can assume I don't want kids. I can't imagine the devotion and love I would have to offer, giving me tumor now.

.....to be bitter towards the opposite sex. I have been given many reasons. I can justify my distaste with detailed examples. But on the real, I have looked in the mirror. And truly been like, "girl get it together." But in 2008 I haven't had the opportunity to make an ill mistake, a blooper before I am slapped in the face. Just pure boldness, innappropiate boldness. Like I am supposed to be on someone elses schedule, I am supposed to want to give myself (100%) for 20% in exchange, supposed to be excited when I get a text message because that shows effort...not! Or like when I had to push a dude twice, yell, curse, frown and threaten to get security because he didn't understand my ass didn't belong to him.

........to be depressed. I am unhappy. My mom won't get help. I can't make her get help.

Thanksgiving....what happened?

I used to get excited about this holiday.

I could care less this year.

Well really I didn't care last year. I was in New Orleans.

This year, I am in Houston, minding my own business.....but who is the 1 person who won't give me peace....my mother!
I mean, my homegirl has been the hospital for some days, and I have been with her. Of course my mother had a problem with that. Not that I was trying to be a good friend, or the fact I fucked up my back in that chair, but that I wasn't at home for her to take her frustrations out on. Tear my life.
So I told her days ago I was not, and refused to go to the country to my grandma's house. I just don't have the mind to be around family. I don't feel like hearing about why we don't have this certain dish cuz my aunt wrist hurts too much to cook everything....but she won't give up no recipes or give warning, BOO!
Of course she attempts to charge me up today.....where are you? you doing drugs? you at a drug house? when are you coming home? you aren't going to grandma's?.....and on and on.....
I am tired of her paranoia. I told her I have been at the hospital and somehow it has turned into me hanging out at a drug house. HOw does it go left to right?

So I am spending it with Tia, my poor friend who just had her appendix taken out. I am spending it with her family who is laid back and treats me like family. I don't feel the need to fake a smile. I can be myself and eat and not be depressed.

And what happened to the business of Thanksgiving? Traveling is down. Decorations are non-existent, I only see Christmas stuff that was put out right after Halloween....hmmmmm.....suspicious...

Hiding...Protecting...

I have been M.I.A. for real. Moving back to Houston is not providing this transition/progession/enlightenment that I thought it would. It's actually making me look back and miss some times I shouldn't be missing.

BITCHASSNESS STRESS..........

1. EX Boyfriends: Well, I guess me moving back home, he took as an opportunity to get his old main chick back on his right side, cuz the left is already taken. I refuse to be the other woman, woman of dark night pleasure or anything. I deserve top bill status! It's so pathetic to know he is in some relationship but still trying to dabble. I feel if you are not satisfied keep it moving. But she keeps him fed, and he keeps gaining weight. So I guess their two increasingly fat selves can be happy. All I know is, his big titties are getting nowhere near my small ones.

2. EX Bestfriends: so I am minding my own business at Chachos (late night eatery) and I keep hearing my name called. Everytime I turn around the girl ducks down behind her "group." It doesn't make sense to me. SO I ask Little Bit to come next to me and see this "crazy person" when they rise from their shame. Who else?? Amber (no not taling about myself, we share the same first name). Like what the hell??? Can't let shit go??? Then she attempts to get Little Bit's attention I guess to start a fiasco? I thought I was doing good by not running into her, keeping her name out of my mouth, just ending like an adult. And there she is trying to be messy, funny, ignorant, start some shit up, who knows what her motivation is. All I could do was say a short prayer and leave the restuarant. No sense in me letting her ruin my evening......ill.....bad taste in my mouth. All I know is she needs to forget I existed, because I saw her when I first moved down and she was like a complete stranger.

3. Mothers: who just won't get help when they need it. Make someone's life a living hell, pushes them to their limit, then cries cuz that will make it all better. Complain of how unsuccessful you are, but limit your chances and resources to rise. Don't understand how you might be 24 years old. Don't understand the transition of moving from an apartment to back home. Understanding the age gap and how it will never be closed, a damn near 45 year age gap. Just not getting help, not taking care of herself, and taking it out on me. It hurts in a different kind of pain that I am ready to pack my things and move to Canada with $10.00.

4. MARRIED MEN: I don't know what it is, but they are everywhere, acting as if they are single. Hanging in single places, saying single things, dressing like they are single....then POOF! I am married, but not like that.....what does not like that mean? illl get away from me, you and your potentially crazy wife.

5. AT&T: Trying to make me feel good by telling me I have an upgrade, but i don't get anything for the upgrade. I just pay a cheaper price for the phone. Nothing free, nothing truly just upgraded. Liars!!! And have the nerve to have like only 10 phones in the store for me to choose from. Tear my life.

6. Houstonians who can't grasp what "tear my life" means: I only say it in certain situations. I always give context clues. I mean damn. They act like I just started spitting Chinese.

7. Job Hunting: it hurts my head. Trying to get that application done correctly so mine stands out. Our making sure my resume is faxed/emailed over properly. Scheduling an interview. Getting an interview. Feedback after the interview. Realizing the pay and how different it is from the advertisement. People telling my mom they can give me the hookup at their job, in reality they can't. They just juicing her up about how she's mad I don't have a job. What to wear to the interview. Who is intervieiwing. Preparing for the interview. What questions to ask........AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I NEED A GOOD OLE BOY TYPE HUSBAND WHO WANTS ME TO BE HIS GOOD OLE GIRL TYPE HOUSEWIFE.

p.s. Dallas I miss you.......