Who knew I would cry watching a reailty show....

So, I just finished watching Sundays episode of Kim&Kourt Take NY. Kim reached out to John Edwards, a world renowned medium, to connect with her father. His message to her, her reaction really hit home for me. I realized I would like to have an opportunity to talk to my father again. So much is going on in my life that I think his advice would be of much comfort. But talking to a medium is a big step and a little scary. You never know, the person could be a fraud or very manipulative.

February is also coming soon and is always a hard time for me (the month my father died). You would think this many years later it would be easier but its not. Certain evens, feelings, memories trigger that pain that has never left my heart. At least my home girl is coming into town and my best friend is having a big bday bash for me to look forward to.

Getting older, my mom's illness, I realize a different thing I'm missing by not having him. I am blessed to have a great god father that provides great advice and support, but....its not the same.

On a good note I was told for the first time that I act like my father. That was so crazy to hear considering the fact he died when I was in the 5th grade and I'm 27 now. I felt so proud, I felt like something about me was right :)! Reassured me that he is with me, looking over me!

So I would like to end by saying, as much we judge these reality stars, they are people like the rest of us. Makeup, producers, money, whatever it doesn't matter. The reason we watch is because we can relate, we can live in someone else shoes for a moment or judge to make ourselves feel better. I'm grateful Kim shared that moment, needed that. You might not understand, but I do.....

A Single Creepy Story...

couple of nights ago a friend of mine asked me to go with her to her friend's birthday party. Of course I said yes because I needed to be distracted from sitting in the house, thinking about this and that (check 2 blogs ago).

We arrive and are introduced to this decent looking Australian men. Now usually I'm attracted to every Australian man I meet, but this one had more of a body of 17 year old British guy. Not my type. I like a man to have dark skin whatever race/ethnicity he may be.

He was very flirtatious, which was nice, and didn't mind throwing a compliment or two my way (much needed/much appreciated).

It was when he went to get a glass that he rubbed up against my butt. I'm assuming it was his first big real bootie experience. He turned around and was like, "omg, your bum its so.....omg its real too....its soft and wow"

Of course my friend and I are dying laughing at this point. But I'm also thinking in my head, "hmmm, he can appreciate my pear shape....think about it, consider"

Then he just had to ruin my moment.

Creep factor went up 10k points when he decided to do a double grab on my friend and I....she had on short shorts, I had on a skirt. INAPPROPRIATE. THIS IS NOT A BUFFET OF ASSES.

The rest of the evening consisted of me sitting down every time he came near, not listening to his compliments and trying not to be like "FUCK OFF."

As we made our exit, who do you know follows us in the parking lot, Creepy Australian guy does. And then once again tells me about my "bum." And once again goes too far and grabs me saying, "did you drive." As if I would say "YES DADDY" and follow him to whatever destination he had planned.

Being single I try to keep my mind/eyes open to different possibilities...but that was not an option for me...but I will refer to my ASS now as a BUM....

I have the right to call corporate/headquarters when....

I have the right to call corporate/headquarters when...........

• I pull up to McDonalds at 5:45am. I am in the mood for breakfast. The sign says 24hours, so I am confident that I will get something tasty. I look at the menu, and of course the menu hasn't been switched to breakfast, I am annoyed. 5 minutes go by, and no one acknowledges me. SO, Tia is with me, and says pull up, we hungry! We literally have to bang on the window to get somebody's attention. The person's attention we grab doesn't speak English, so she disappears behind the corner. 5 minutes later a sleepy manager comes to greet us. Tells us they are closed, they don't open to 6am, goodbye...tear my life. So you know I had at least 10 questions for her, and she closes the window on me. Really? I got you.
• Olive Garden for not trying to bring me my salad and breadsticks. I ordered my food, I ordered my drink, what more do you want? Do I need to pay before hand? Are yall that much in the hole yall don't trust me with the items you decided to offer me?
  
• When Wendy's continually forgets to give me croutons when I order a salad. I guess they think it is not a big deal, or she will drive away. Hell to the naw! The salad is not the same, the dressing is not the same. In my world, it's not a salad. So yes, I do drive around back to the window, and even have the balls to request an extra bag for my emotional stress.
• I guess KFC has a time requirement, because the one on 2234 in Missouri City....oooo weee....if you don't spit out you want a number 2 with a coke and mash potatoes as your side in 5 seconds or less. Chick will repeat herself, yell at you, over talk you, make you feel bad you ordering food to eat.
• Any pizza establishment claiming to run out of dough....it's the main ingredient!!! I find this to happen at Little Caesars. And I hate when they offer you a soda or some wings in replacement...but with no discount.
• Marble Slab by my house getting a C from the health inspector....how?????????
• When KFC doesn't have original recipe available...isn't that like yalls things! Only reason why I come here.....
• Olive Garden for pretending to forget the tasty chocolates when they bring me my crazy bill.
  
• When KFC doesn't have original recipe available...but you get original recipe in your box......I mean what is the training session teaching????
• The McDonalds by my house telling me there is no such thing as a McGrille when it appears on the advertisement in front of my face. Then has the nerve to catch an attitude, as if I would lie about a sandwich.
• chilli's restaurant for changing the Chicken Crisper recipe everytime I order it.
• Black Eyed Peas for changing the recipe for their rolls, what the hell for???
  

I have the RIGHT...

.....to be annoyed at the ridiculous amount of Christmas music being played on the radio, in grocery stores, at gas stations, speakers outside of the mall, in restaurants, and my teddy bear that randomly likes to sing Jingle Bells.

... to get on a schedule of Tylenol PM! Seriously I am having real sleep issues. My body and my mind think it's okay to sleep after 6am to about 12/1pm. Such illness. Yea I catch my court shows, but damn, I would rather dream about my court shows. Of course I don't want to get dependent, but these hours are not cool. Especially when it gets interrupted, and I am grumpy for hours on end. Plus the fact I am missing time to eat.

.....to be ashy.

.....to hate on the imitation leather leggings. I hate them with a passion. The only person I like them on is Christina Milian, oh and Rhianna and Keri Hilson. Pass that, they should not be sold. Should have a detailed and difficult application process! I had to walk down the street and keep looking at jigglin legs all around me. ILLNESS!! Where are the honest friends that say, " girl why don't you wear this, so much hotter!" But no, let them jiggle their way on down the road. And then they are so shiny, I have an issue with that. I don't know why. Maybe cuz it's worn with non shiny sweaters and non shiny shoes. But when do you decide the limit of shinyness.

.....to not own an Obama shirt. I refuse

.....to inform kids when they are innappropiate. Like if they bump into me and don't say excuse me, or looking at me even thou I am not playing the funny face game with them, you know making me uncomfortable. Yes, you can assume I don't want kids. I can't imagine the devotion and love I would have to offer, giving me tumor now.

.....to be bitter towards the opposite sex. I have been given many reasons. I can justify my distaste with detailed examples. But on the real, I have looked in the mirror. And truly been like, "girl get it together." But in 2008 I haven't had the opportunity to make an ill mistake, a blooper before I am slapped in the face. Just pure boldness, innappropiate boldness. Like I am supposed to be on someone elses schedule, I am supposed to want to give myself (100%) for 20% in exchange, supposed to be excited when I get a text message because that shows effort...not! Or like when I had to push a dude twice, yell, curse, frown and threaten to get security because he didn't understand my ass didn't belong to him.

........to be depressed. I am unhappy. My mom won't get help. I can't make her get help.

Take A Note!!

Sidenote: To Torrence, I am scared. I am scared of the city of Atlanta and anyone that decides to make that their home. lol

Clearly this is going to be all over the place. Please just read it, laugh, take it to the head like a shot of tequilla.....

NIGGAS WHO KEEP CALLING ME SKINNY/ANOREXIC/CANCEROUS: I guess these individuals haven't seen me in a long time. Or maybe they have changed their taste buds to big/thick/outrageous girls. But I still wear the same clothes, so there is no way in hell I am just skinny and need to start drinking some protein shakes. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind for the bootie to get back to it's original royalty shape, but it's still some leftover cornbread back there. I swear the next person to same some ill shit about me and some weight I may or may not have lost is going to get my good shoe stuck so far up there.........nose!!!! ?

THE FOLKS AT NBC WHO DECIDE WHAT IS GOING TO BE COVERED OF THE OLYMPICS: I feel like the Spartans or whoever intiated the Olympics began with running events. So why the hell is it so hard for me to find coverage of Track and Field? I mean that is what you think about, that is the heart of the game! I mean NBC, MSNBC, USA, CNBC not nan one thought it was important to show the 100meter. So folks waking up in the morning for no reason. But they showed competitive bicycling with that weird bike that goes really fast. Why the hell do I want to watch a weird bike go around a track that I want to see folks running on.......TEAR!

FOLKS WHO KEEP ASKING ME ABOUT FINDING A JOB BUT IN THE SAME SENTENCE TALK ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND ONE..............: what the hell?

MAD AT MYSELF FOR NOTICING THE REPETITIVE DIALOUGE IN THE TYLER PERRY PLAYS!!!!

TAURUS: I like the man. Met up with him, I think he is awesome. But I found out in a 30 minute convo he is like 32 with two children, 10 and 12. Makes me nervous! Yes his name is Taurus, my sign.

Run it Down.....

So back in Houston. It has been quite an adjustment. I mean dealing with my mom, having no money, trying to find a job, dealing with new prospects in my life........hilarity indeed!!

NAME: Taurus
MET: At a grown folks function
OCCUPATION: Barber
HEIGHT: Taller than me at least
DISCUSSION: He seems cool. Works almost everyday making that money. Invited me to some drinks and maybe a quite bite before he has to meet up with his family. I might be nervous. He's cool, and I like him. And he doesn't live far from me either, which is great. He lives in MO CITY BABY!!!!!

NAME: Walt
MET: Thru a friend
OCCUPATION: Something at the City of Houston
HEIGHT: Way taller than me
DISCUSSION: My homegirl, Ms. Long Hair Don't Care, talks to his homeboi....they are bestfriends and roommates. So, went over there, and he was cool as hell. And he is a member of Omega Psi Phi. No longer a Que Dawg but he is a Que Man. We ended up going swimming at like 3am. One of the best times I have had in a long ass time! Haven't talked to him really, who knows. But sidenote....he can pick me up effortless. WHOOP WHOOP! And he thinks I am skinny, time to gain some weight. HEY HEY!

NAME: Dare
MET: In High School
OCCUPATION: Something important
HEIGHT: I think the same
DISCUSSION: Just started talking. Nothing special. But he was cool as hell in high school. He is a drinker, maybe a prospective drinking buddy. Who knows who cares? It is always cool to reconnect. HOLLA!

RIP
The Nigerians of 2007 are all on the run or in jail/prison. Everyone in Dallas knew it was coming sooner or later. I wish them the best. I learned alot from them. Exposed me to alot. How things change.....................................

Freedom...I want it!

I hate what certain men did to me. I mean I hate what I allowed myself to feel because of them,what I allowed to happen. As much as I contemplate the pros and cons of a stable relationshp, I contemplate having options just as much. It's just at some point options decide to become selfish, get feelings involved, demand for me to reveal my inner-Amber, make rules, etc. And I'm left wondering what happened to the agreement of freedom and understanding.

Watching Sex and the City the character of Carrie made me question "love and serious/committed relationships." How can the same love that made you complete, be the same love that breaks your heart, then be the same love that forgives the pain? The character of Samantha made me realize the importance of a strong relationshp with yourself regardless of someone else's livelihood.

But sexual/situations/relationship freedom makes women look like whores/sluts/hoes. And men look like pimps/The Man/playas.

And I mean......

1. I miss traveling to MIA to visit Mr.Bentley,but he switched it up on me. Wanted to confess his "newfound love", wanted me to become in love with him, become devoted to his existence. While he devoted his love to who knows who and who knows how many. Why did I have to rework my life so that we could continue our happiness? Why did I have to love a man in order to spend quality time and experience life? I have great/treasured memories of him...until reality and my honesty wasn't good enough. I became worthless in his eyes because I couldn't lie. WTF??!!

2. I miss when Short Fat Fuck/Shortie Doo Whop accepted my place in his life as "party girl." As time went on, he had to have more. I never gave him an inch of hope I would be his next baby momma,ill! Now I am a hoe/slut/whore in his eyes. Thursday night the look he gave me was pure hatred. I could feel when he would be behind me, I mean hate was hitting my back. I'm hurt because I was honest and now that Fat Fuck is whispering round on me. Bet he wouldn't like me to whisper to the authorities. Damn the day I find someone worth trying out and he knows Q or Q finds out. Q should have stayed my friend. I honestly cared for him but OH WELL!!

3. I miss when Lemon Drop (my homebois fav shot) looked at me and treated me as a friend. Now sex pops up in the convo frequently and he sends signals that he's hung and ready. Ummmmmmm.........no. I've been honest that I see him as a friend, so why does he feel the need to make it uncomfortable?

SO 24 IS MORE LONELY AND BORING THAN 23. BUT 23 WAS CONFUSING AND BLINDING. HOPEFULLY PSYCHO,JERMAINE THE LAME, AND/OR THE NEXT ONE WILL BRING MORE HAPPY LESSONS FOR ME.

p.s. can I attribute my weight loss to loss of sexual healing? LOL! Enjoy your day!

MySpace Connections....Are TheyPossible??

Lately I have been hit with alot of new friend requests, random messages, random image commentary, etc. The picture above is the current picture on my myspace page.

When I look at it, I see a cute, smiling picture.

But to the niggaland that is amongst myspace.com, it must be something more.

The following are some messages I have recieved in the last few days. The following messages are the reason why I don't take anyone on myspace seriously and gets me to question people I meet in person. Like they are potentially as wack as these niggaz sending out messages to random chicks with a decent profile pic.

1. Subject: i want to meet you

Body: my name is x im 21 years oldand i stay in houston so if you are ever free with nothin to do hit me upi read most of ur blogs and i like ur swag so jus halla at yo boy some time1LUVX

My Response: First of all, "x" is not your real name, your momma didn't say that when she gave birth. (2) If he read my blogs, he would know that I rarely spend time in Houston, so I could care less. (3) He is 21 years old, if he truly knew my swag he would no I don't accept applications from those that are underage. I know I am only 23, but he still can't apply.

2. Subject: no subject

Body: HEY MISS SEXY I WAS GOING THRU THE SPACE N MY FIRST TIME LOOKIN AT YOUR PICS REAL NICE. LISTEN I JUS CLOSE A MAJOR RECORD DEAL N WE GONNA START SHOOTING 4 MY SONG "ROLL CALL" N MARCH. I WOULD LUV 4 YOU TO BE DOWN WIT ME N THE VIDEO YOU LOOK REAL NICE HOLLA AT ME N LET ME KNOW BABY. LISTEN TO THE SONG IF U HAVENT HEARD IT ON MY PAGE. CALL ME OR TEXT 832 882 1978BIG-E VIEW MY PAGE IF U HAVENT HEARD DA SONG OR SEEN DA FIRST VIDEO TO MY OTHER SONG CALLED "DANG-A-LANG" THAT WAS SHOT WIT MY OWN BUDGET. da hottest 10 girls make a hundred dollaz an hour an become a "GRAPEJELLYGIRL" N TRAVEL WITH ME ALL EXSPENCE PAID 4, NOW REMEMBER I HAND PICK YOU IF YOU GET ANOTHER MESSAGE LIKE MINES THATS MY PROMOTIONAL TEAM N THEY ALREADY HAVE 75 GIRLS COMING TO DA SHOOT N MARCH AT CLUB HUSH. SO CALL ME DIRECT IF YOU R INTRESTED

My Response: (1)didn't have time to type in a subject? (2) this is clearly a copy and pasted message, but why hasn't anyone caught the mistakes (3) did I mention he has sent this to me at least 3 times, I don't respond, but he keeps hitting me (4) how can you pay me a hundred "dollaz" an hour (5) why would I want to be a "grapejellygirl?" (6) what the hell is a "grapejellygirl?" I can only imagine what the duties of a "grapejellygirl" are! (7) can we really do business together and you are already calling me baby?

3. Subject: no subject

Body: itz nice 2 meet u miss amber im mike so werr u stay??????

Original Message From: AMBULARDate: Feb 24, 2008 9:14 PM Amber

Original Message From: Ugly hoez can tell victoria 2 keep yo azz a secretDate: 20 Feb 2008, 02:58 PM im blessed so i cant complain so wus yo name??????

Original Message From: AMBULARDate: Feb 20, 2008 12:33 PM good how are you?

Original Message From: I hear u all nite long wen i turn u on!!!Date: 19 Feb 2008, 10:16 PM Hey how you doing beautiful??????

My Response: (1) notice no subject (2) why does his name keep changing when he sends a message...drama (3) how do you go from asking my name, to where do I live? (4)why do you need to know where I live? (5) is it so hard to assume my name is Amber from the term Ambular? (6) wonder if he reads this, well, hey Mike

4. Subject: wuz up

Body: i wanna get to kno ya physically mentally emotionally and spiritually so can i call ya sometime??

Original Message From: AMBULARDate: Feb 24, 2008 7:32 PM I'm cool...want to get to know me really read the blog

Original Message From: Young Shawn Official Music PageDate: 24 Feb 2008, 07:30 PM how ya doin r ya ok now?? i wanna kno when we gonna get to kno each other

My Response: (1) I mean....I just don't know about this one (2) physically/mentally/emotionally/spiritually??????????????????? (3) HE MAKES ME NERVOUS (4) hey Young Shawn if you are a reader

??????????

So.................I don't get it.

Myspace connections, to me are impossible. Too much room to create bullshit.

You can be anybody you want to on the internet.

And alot of people are choosing to be someone else.

I bet if I met anyone of these gentlemen in person, the convo would be nothing similar to this.

So........I am going to continue to not respond or give basic responses, just to see the foolishness that will follow.

????????????????

SONG: Computer Love by Zapp

Let's Go!

I will begin by saying I am NOT hunting/searching/googling/looking for a man. But I am open to the option to have one, have one discover me. But my luck has been crazy wack. Now Katt Williams does say, that you must look at yo pussy to figure out why aint shit niggas keep coming your way. But there is nothing I can do when aint shit niggas pretend to be about their shit niggas. It's like the males that I have met are playing dress up.

2007 was the craziest year of my life so far in the "opposite sex" department. And 2008 I just don't if it's going to be better. I mean I was getting hit left and right with the good and the bad. I learned alot about myself and about life, but it still doesn't take away that I learned some lessons and still single.

I feel I am ready to make a deeper connection with a member of the opposite sex. Wasting time, getting feelings hurt, getting disappointed is not what is hot in the streets.

So I think I am going to use this blog to explore my previous experiences and new ones. And maybe somebody out there will read and not run into the same deadend as me, or be able to give me some sound advice.