Like today...I was reminded of a past friendship. I have made a promise to myself that I will not become friends with her again, but today I missed the friendship, but not her. Does that make sense? At one point it was complete understanding. I didn't have to hide any part of me and if I tried it didn't work.
I really need to talk to God to get my relationship on some sort of path with my mom. I can't stand it. It hurts alot. I can't talk to her freely. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. 5 seconds of loving bliss turns into an all out brawl. I can't say I miss the days when we were close cuz that was never the case. In her world she thinks it is so. But we only talked when we had to. She only found out personal stuff by chance. It pains me, cuz I don't have a dad to go ask for advice. My aunts and uncles think it's not that bad so can't go to their wisdom or helping hands. I hate feeling alone in that house. People have bigger problems, but a relationship with my mom I view priceless. I don't know, I am rambling.
Even the mighty Nigerians have fallen. I knew their time would come, can't live fast and flashy forever. But facing 25 is crazy! I remember when my aunt died and KG took me out to distract my mind and he put a smile on my face. Months later we are fighting, physically fighting, then strangers, and now he is running. I remember how Que used to be so damn sensitive and now he is being shipped from one federal prison to another. As much went down with that crew, I feel bad for them. Especially Charlie, if there was a way I could visit him or call I would. I mean he was always so sweet. I can say he was a homeboi who listened. Maybe one day I could write him a letter of appreciation.
It would be nice to disappear for real. If I have one more friend hurt me, see more death in my family, one more fight with my mother, one more person reminding me how pathetic I feel that I havne't found a good job, one more negro feeling some sort of attachment to my weight/butt, one more person not hearing me when I say I am hurting and listen.......dark place.
Happier note:
~Kroger makes these off the chain iced sugar cookies
~Reading a great book
~Had a great time at my line sister's wedding
~Reading Daphne's blog
~My mom found my dad's old wallet
2 comments:
i wish i had super powers like that too
and hats off to phyllis wheatly on this day
I haven't heard from you in a while, I had a feeling that something was bothering you, I'm just glad you had the humility inside to express that.
You have to protect your peace of mind! Don't hold on to the anger because it will hurt you more:)
You are blessed, you know that Right? Good looks can be seen by any fool, but a good heart can only be seen by those who seek wisdom and peace. "I see that good in your heart."
Stay blessed!
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