Mannish Behavior

I am a female that is sick of the double standard.

My homeboys can say and do whatever and no one would dare tell them "that's classless, do better, that's not gentleman like."

I put up a few mannish tweets and all of sudden I was told to "go to bed, calm down, chill out, no class. ummmmmmm.....what.....???????

I am a woman, I can do and say whatever I feel like.

I am also a single woman.

But being single, and young, you have needs/wants/passion/desires. I want someone I can share them with, safely but explosive fun.

But its also hard having a sexual relationship because of all the limitations, codes, rules, opinions that come along. Are you actually boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you want that? Can you handle if it is or not?

what happens when feelings become involved? when time continues to pass? uncertainty...

who has the answers for me? cuz no book does....Dr Phil sure in the hell doesn't...

idk....not to be vulgar on here but damn it I'm horny and want someone to myself to have fun with. too much to ask? not enough? impossible? pass my prime lol?

idk....pretend you didn't just read all that lol

V-Day

Today was a great day. I was busy starting from like 6am to the evening. My mom had a MRI this morning and she did well. I thought she would have been a bit nervous but she slept like a baby. Her results come Friday so hopefully nothing bad at all.

My mom and I spent V-Day together. I don't think she appreciated the holiday for what it is but still enjoyed herself.

She also got chocolates from the neighbors and I wish yall could have seen the dance she did. Way too excited over some chocolate, ate the whole box lol.

Long as she is eating something :)

I got a few gifts and even was asked on a date. But I feel its inappropriate to go on a first date on a holiday....and a holiday like V-Day at that. Usually there is some happy ending at the end and  that def wouldn't happen with someone I met out and about. Might I add, his name is even saved in my phone...oops. Blame Kettle One.

The person that I wanted to do something nice for, wasn't available for that, or not open to it. Wanted to show my appreciation but I guess that's too much.

Not like I think of them like the love of my life but I do think he deserves, well deserved something. But guess its a good thing, because I didn't even get a text.

Yep....nothing, nada, zip.

At least I didn't say how I really feel. Imagine how my pride would have been shot.

Lol, imagine what this blog would have been like...TRAGIC lol.

But today was still great. It was gorgeous, mom had a good day, I had girl scout cookies, got somethings done, spent time with my neighbors and now might go to this singles party.

Hope everyone had a great one :)



Sometimes its easier to say how I'm feeling, really feeling here.
And then sometimes I blog, but don't publish the blog because some thoughts don't need reactions/opinions.

Today was horrible. Finally broke down and told my friends how I feel, how I've been feeling (overwhelmed,sad). I feel comfort in knowing my friends have my back but not really better.

I wear a smile well. I've made an art of deflecting attention away so you don't notice what's going on.

My moms doctors apt didn't go well today. She was just off, her mind was all over the place and the doctor ordered an mri. smh.

February just sucks because I think of my dad. But this year I'm thinking of him more. Not sure if its because of the life decisions I'm having to make for myself and my mom, or just regular grief.

Don't get it twisted, I'm blessed. And there are many happy, fulfilling moments in my life. Not all my smiles and jokes are fake. Made a couple of new friends even.

I just have to ask for help. I have to stop being so stubborn (main trait of a taurus lol). And holding feelings inside is a habit I've picked back up smh. Like a volcano, I know better.

I'm just a work in progess. I'm growing up. I feel like I'm becoming a strong, more aware adult.

Life isn't perfect, but I'm glad for the one I have :)

Dilemma

Doesn't matter how big of a wall you build up, some people can scale it with no problem.

But what do you do when your heart wants someone but your mind knows the reality of the situation?

I genuinely miss the days of high school, where if someone liked you, they passed you a note. No confusion in "check yes or no."

Last night was another reminder of how invested I'm in. Also that I'm single, he's single.

I've protected my heart, my life as much as I could. Now I'm stuck in situation that doesn't depend on my decisions, depends on someone else's decisions/opinions/actions.

Vulnerability is a hard pill to swallow.

Looking for a book or the right advice to help me out. Nothing.

I don't want anyone else. I want the opportunity to try.

It could be love. It could be curiosity. It could be appreciation.

I hate not knowing (minor control issues lol)

I found a friend in him.

Reading Comprehension...can end a relationship

I never realized how important all of those worksheets were in Reading/English class.
I never realized I would judge someone of their failure to use the education they received in elementary/middle school (scan-da-lous).....

If I text you a question, all I need is the answer to that question.
I don't need to know anything about your life, your hopes&dreams or the weather of Mexico.

And if you don't understand the question, ask me to repeat it, further explain.
And if you don't want to answer, say that.

ugh....

And the worse is when you text someone something, and they get an attitude for no damn reason. Then you have to sound the words out for them and then they come with the apology. Read, read it twice if you have to.

I guess that's why I usually end everything with a :) or a lol. Add those 2 things, seems people read messages in their correct tone/context.

Next person who fails at life thru text messages, I'm giving them a workbook from the Teacher's Supply store.

Yes that's rude as hell...and I'm not perfect....but it must be done. LOL

that awkward moment....

you realize you care for someone more than you "thought" you did.....surprising.

I would like to quote New Edition, "if it isn't love, why do I feel this way?"

and then you have to check  yourself because you don't know if the person feels the same way.

AWKWARD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You show up to a bar, looking for the specials they advertise....
Then the bartender advises you there are no specials....

AWKWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

that moment you realize you're the ugly/fat/outsider/tacky/broke friend.

AWKWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

someone confuses you for someone they despise.

AWKWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who knew I would cry watching a reailty show....

So, I just finished watching Sundays episode of Kim&Kourt Take NY. Kim reached out to John Edwards, a world renowned medium, to connect with her father. His message to her, her reaction really hit home for me. I realized I would like to have an opportunity to talk to my father again. So much is going on in my life that I think his advice would be of much comfort. But talking to a medium is a big step and a little scary. You never know, the person could be a fraud or very manipulative.

February is also coming soon and is always a hard time for me (the month my father died). You would think this many years later it would be easier but its not. Certain evens, feelings, memories trigger that pain that has never left my heart. At least my home girl is coming into town and my best friend is having a big bday bash for me to look forward to.

Getting older, my mom's illness, I realize a different thing I'm missing by not having him. I am blessed to have a great god father that provides great advice and support, but....its not the same.

On a good note I was told for the first time that I act like my father. That was so crazy to hear considering the fact he died when I was in the 5th grade and I'm 27 now. I felt so proud, I felt like something about me was right :)! Reassured me that he is with me, looking over me!

So I would like to end by saying, as much we judge these reality stars, they are people like the rest of us. Makeup, producers, money, whatever it doesn't matter. The reason we watch is because we can relate, we can live in someone else shoes for a moment or judge to make ourselves feel better. I'm grateful Kim shared that moment, needed that. You might not understand, but I do.....